Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Take Your Dirty Hands Off My Swine Flu Shot, Granny: A BogsBlog Special Edition

Pete Bogs here, with a BogsBlog Special Edition on the swine flu (which sounds like some kind of biological warfare agent created by the CIA to use on radical Islamists), aka “H1N1” (which sounds like a London postal code, but I digress a second time).

I haven't had any kind of inoculation since 1986, when I got a measles shot that was required for college. Long story short, I got a live batch that gave me the measles, but was not accepted into the university. The incident gave me a deep distrust of vaccines (and questionable college admission criteria) for decades thereafter. I'm not sure what was more irritating, the rash or the snub. (This is similar to a situation in which several AIDS cases linked to a Florida dentist made me avoid dental visits like, well, like the plague for about a decade. Ok, I am somewhat of a hypochondriac.)

But with a supply of swine flu shots supposedly on the way, I'm seriously thinking about going "under the needle" for the first time since Reagan and Gorby met at Reykjavik (I think it was actually the same week). I do ok with needles; it's what's in them that has concerned me ever since that unfortunate 1986 occurrence. As I am neither a health care worker, nor elderly, nor very young, nor saddled with a weak immune system, however, I will probably be put to the end of the line for a shot. Bastards! I am a paying passenger and I demand a seat in this lifeboat!

I am actually anticipating a run on the vaccine, resulting in long lines, rationing and lots of angry people. And that's without our country switching from its flawless, enviable free market health care system to an evil public option socialist model. With people dying from this illness, the clamor for inoculation may make the raucous town hall meetings that have thus far comprised the U.S. health care debate seem like tea socials. I certainly plan to crack a few skulls. Or at least pull a Peter Griffin:

So get ready for it, folks. You, too, may soon find yourself shamelessly shoving a feeble granny aside to get to your own dose. If you must jostle the elderly, though, please be sure to at least wash your hands before (and after) doing so. This article reminds us that washing our hands regularly is essential to stemming the flow of contagious diseases.

But we shouldn’t need a reminder to wash our hands. Most of our mothers told us this when we were young. Most of us remember this every time we see someone leave a toilet stall and head for the door without stopping at the sink. And I, Pete Bogs, reminded you in
this post, wherein I stated that hand washing should be considered not simply a suggestion, but a patriotic duty, with harsh penalties for those who don’t comply. So you can't say you don't know. Take it from a marketing professional: “There’s never been a better time” to adopt this good habit, folks.

Be healthy.