Sunday, October 26, 2008

UFOs Are R-E-A-L

Some 1500 pages worth of information on UFO sightings have been released by Britain's National Archives. And while many of the incidents cited are explained away by earthly phenomena, some remain unexplained.

I don't need official documents in order to believe there's a good chance UFOs exist, however. The universe is immense; it seems rational to me that there would be other "intelligent" races that have developed space travel technology.

This lifelong belief has recently been bolstered by an unexpected confession from an acquaintance. This man – whose name I have been asked not to divulge – is someone very close whom I trust implicitly. He reluctantly agreed to tell me his story on camera for the benefit of my readers/viewers. It's pretty shocking stuff.

Note: The video is intentionally dark and the voice altered in order to protect the subject.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Fragmentia Monday: The Buffet Is Open!

From the momentous to the mundane, there’s lots here to talk about, people. If you don’t have something to say about at least one of these items, what good are ye?

I find the Wall Street bailout ironic and hypocritical. You have some of the very same politicians who regularly dismiss the notion of helping out the little guy (aka Main Street) with so-called entitlements rushing to help the big guy (aka Wall Street)?! But Pete, you say, by helping those big guys we’ll ultimately help the little guys! So, we are willing to assist the little guys, but only indirectly – through the big guys? Folks, I believe seeing CEOs walk away from their companies with $20 million while rank-and-file employees are being laid off dispels the myth of trickle-down economics for all time. It just don’t happen! And the government buying banks? Where are the accusations of socialism now? Now?

By the way, what’s with Bush pushing this bailout on Congress while at the same time wanting to
veto food stamps and unemployment from a second stimulus package? See the big guy/little guy thing again.

Is it dangerous for chocolate Labradors to lick or chew themselves?

Mr. Blackwell, originator of the “worst-dressed list” for public figures, has
died. I wonder how the undertaker will dress him?

If you are selling food or beverages in three different sizes, by law you should only be allowed to name them “small,” “medium” and “large,” respectively. None of this “medium/large/giant” crap! The smallest size of anything cannot be “medium!” Pizza places, you are the worst offenders. (Two sizes? "Small" and "large." That wasn't hard, was it?)

Speaking of pizza, I believe “left-over pizza” to be oxymoronic. It's certainly apocryphal in my home.

Another food-related law I am proposing is the Lid Standardization Doctrine (LSD). Some salad dressing bottles have a small opening that allows you to pour the dressing over your salad in small, controlled bursts; this wonderful invention gives you maximum control over amount and distribution. The other kind of bottle has no such opening, just a 1.25 inch opening that – if you believe yourself to be opening the other kind of bottle and pour too quickly – may cause you to empty the entire contents over one bowl of salad. Not that I’ve ever done this. But I believe the producers of these products are 1) deliberately trying to make us look foolish and 2) trying to get us to use up dressing quickly so that we will buy more. It's an outrage!

Never forget: When you presume you make a pres out of u and me.

The release of a new Playstation game has been
delayed because of objections over passages from the Koran being used in some of the background music. The game will now be released without the offending words. Who knew some Muslims could be so touchy? I mean, they’re typically so levelheaded when their holy writings are used in popular culture.

Only the first sneeze in any series of sneezes should be given a “God bless you!” by those within earshot. Beyond that is overkill.

Some 1,500 raccoon dogs(?) bred in China for their fur have
died from eating tainted food. Do I really need to add anything more to this?

A Chinese official involved in the building of Olympic facilities has been sentenced to death for corruption. They may commute the sentence to life in prison if he behaves himself. I still can’t believe anyone does anything like this in China. The stakes are too high.

I can no longer abide the blending of (American) sports bar and Irish pub. Each premise is strong enough to stand on its own. Take your fucking NFL team jerseys off the wall and put the Tri-Colour back up there, lest I box your ears, purveyor of said public house! (This kind of) miscegenation is wrong, wrong and terribly wrong!

Don’t talk to me, near me or about me when I am in the toilet.

I am tired of people giving me funny looks when I walk with an open umbrella on sunny days.

I am against home births except in instances of C-section.

I seek the elimination of all parking fines save for parking in a handicapped space when able-bodied or blocking a street or driveway. I am so... super... serial. Further, I would seriously increase fines for multi-space parking. Some people consider their first attempt at parking in a space their only attempt. Back your lazy ass up and straighten out the car, chief. Slogans to promote this new statute include: “One Vehicle, One Parking Space” and “Over The Line? Pay The Fine!”

The determination of when a restaurant meal is coming to a close should be when the last person is finishing the meal, not the first. I sometimes eat fast; that shouldn’t give any server the cue to start talking about dessert or offering a take-home box to a dining companion who is obviously only halfway through eating his/her meal. Not so fast, Garcon!

I believe that most people can do better in most things but are simply too lazy, proud or stupid to do so.

Snowflakes are God’s dandruff.

Automatic Crash Response feature is a mixed blessing. Let’s say you’ve had a drink or two, are driving down a dark road one night and run into a tree, mildly damaging both the bark and your car, but leaving the latter completely drivable. On-Star senses the collision and automatically dispatches 911 emergency service to you. In another time you would’ve been able to shake it off, get back in your car and proceed cautiously on your way. Now we have so-called “safety features” ratting on us? Narcs, man, narcs!

How is it time machines seem to not only transport their occupants to eras when something significant was happening, but also to those exact places as well? 1492? Wow, we’re aboard the Santa Maria! 1776? I think some Redcoat just fired a musket at me! Who says going back to 1776 wouldn’t place you in the very same space you occupy in the present? Or in the middle of a 1776 desert where absolutely nothing is going on? Or at the top of a mountain? I think movies may be lying to us! And I believe any such devices should henceforth rightly be called “time and space machines.”

When you come to a fork in the road, be careful not to hurt your foot or puncture a tire.

I believe – and I am again 100% serious on this – that there ought to be a new law prohibiting the "obstruction of the progress of mankind.” Meaning, a disease is about to be cured but your pharmaceutical firm stands to lose billions, so you pay off the researchers to scuttle their discovery. Or a viable electric car is developed, and overnight oil companies and/or other car companies get it pulled back from its owners, destroyed and never spoken of again. (That one really happened, by the way.) Interfering with anything that will make the world a significantly better place should be considered a high crime, with those responsible facing 20 years to life. With all the petty kinds of shit that are illegal, this is a major oversight.

If your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you're probably a mutant.

If anyone – man, woman or child – challenges your right to vote on November 4, punch them square in the jaw. Then tell 'em Pete sent ya!

When it comes to taxes remember this: It’s not your money, it’s our money. So give me our goddamn PIN so I can go get some cash to spend at another stupid sports bar-Irish pub!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Holy Crap, It's The Jesus Fish!

Jesus Christ has returned and he's... WTF... a shark? Indeed, scientific tests have yielded a startling revelation: a slippery little fanged fishy was recently born to a female shark without the benefit of male consort. Jesus H. is back, and he’s ready to take a bite out of sin. It's a Second Coming of oceanic proportions. I wonder which five-star cruise liner the Magi will follow to bring him gifts of finest chum, remora and dorsal fin wax?

PS: Human females, don't go getting any of your own ideas about asexual reproduction!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

You Wanna See Something Really Scary?

Halloween is just round the corner. And while stories of unscrupulous people putting razor blades or needles into children’s candy are largely the stuff of urban legend, this year there is genuine reason to worry about what the little goblins are eating.

Some candies produced in China and sold in the US have been found to contain a toxin called melamine. I’d heard candy was bad for you, but come on! The life-threatening substance was used as filler by unscrupulous manufacturers in an effort to boost production. Is it possible these melameanies are even more fervent free market capitalists than some of their Western counterparts?

The candy poisoning follows closely on the heels of the deaths of several Chinese children who drank milk tainted with the same substance. Milk? Children’s milk, Mandrake? (Perhaps in a vastly overpopulated country – which includes many, many abandoned girls – the responsible companies see themselves as providing some perverse social benefit?)

Some of the people involved in the production of the tainted goods (I use that term loosely) have been arrested. I never thought I’d say this about that Great Land of Oppression (GLOP), but at least China has some accountability. Over here bad products result in civil lawsuits. I’m not convinced, though, that the criminal route is wrong; meaning, if industrialists thought they could actually face jail (rather than a financial penalty they would simply never pay), would they be more concerned with the safety of their products?

One thing is certain – there are real monsters in the world. Many of them live in China. Don’t go swallowing anything with the "C" word on it.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Happy Hour At “O’Bama's Place”

Did Barack Obama see my declaration of independence video, and if so, is he now actively trying to woo me back to the Democratic Party? If not, one could at least say he's found the way to my heart – he visited an Irish pub in my area on a recent campaign stop. You had me at “Hello, I’m Barack Obama, and I could use your vote.”

In all seriousness, I am not returning to the party in its present form. (If I find out Obama is a Guinness man, all bets are off). But I have begun to think that a nation under Obama – always my preferred candidate –would be a lot more fun. What some call "Obamanation" I call "O'Bama's Place," where happy hour is every hour.

"No, you don't need to see my ID, goddamit. I'm Barack friggin' Obama, the precedent... prestiden... (hiccup) fuggit... presidential candidate. No, not Osama, OBAMA! I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap! Who says I've had too many? Hey, I drive my campaign better when I've had a few. Hello, I didn't see you there. What's your name? Amanda? Amanda, you're really pretty."

Obama hasn't shied away from being seen with a pint - the proper serving size for beer - in his hand.

Happily married Obama still can't help but take notice of a beautiful lady when he spots one.

In recent presidential elections the question has been asked: With which candidate would you most like to enjoy a beer? If it’s going to be at an Irish pub, that's an easy one for me to answer.