Sunday, June 08, 2008

Discarded Onion Peels

The following is a list of headlines written by yours truly, intended for but never used by The Onion. Enjoy.

Chipmunks’ Manager Dave Ordered To Anger Management Classes; Must Stay 500 Feet Away From Alvin

NFL To Crack Down On Draft Dodgers; Players: “Hell No, We Won’t Throw!”

Fourth Grade Ice Skating Championship Runner-Up Decries Activist Judges

Transgendered Person Keeps First Letter Of Previous Name So As Not To Confuse Family, Friends

Area Woman Still Can’t Open Own Ketchup Bottle

Smokers Busted In Loitering Sting

Meteorologists Baffled By Hail Not Sized Like Any Piece Of Sporting Equipment

Local Woman Doesn’t Pass Gas

Man Holds Out Hope For Reunited Carolinas

Hummus To Be Renamed “Liberty Spread”

Porn Site Loaded With Typos

Family Organization Seeks Legislation To Bar Gay Couples From Adopting Pets