Sunday, June 08, 2008

Discarded Onion Peels

The following is a list of headlines written by yours truly, intended for but never used by The Onion. Enjoy.

Chipmunks’ Manager Dave Ordered To Anger Management Classes; Must Stay 500 Feet Away From Alvin

NFL To Crack Down On Draft Dodgers; Players: “Hell No, We Won’t Throw!”

Fourth Grade Ice Skating Championship Runner-Up Decries Activist Judges

Transgendered Person Keeps First Letter Of Previous Name So As Not To Confuse Family, Friends

Area Woman Still Can’t Open Own Ketchup Bottle

Smokers Busted In Loitering Sting

Meteorologists Baffled By Hail Not Sized Like Any Piece Of Sporting Equipment

Local Woman Doesn’t Pass Gas

Man Holds Out Hope For Reunited Carolinas

Hummus To Be Renamed “Liberty Spread”

Porn Site Loaded With Typos


Family Organization Seeks Legislation To Bar Gay Couples From Adopting Pets

21 comments:

Lil Bit said...

LOL!
I think I need to gnaw on a toothpick in the corner of my mouth cuz those discarded onion peels are makin' me cry!

That guy might as well hang up his hope -- the Carolinas are as diff as nite 'n day... one has hail that is pea-sized, while hail in the other state, why it gets as big as a peach! LOL ;)

Pete Bogs said...

LB - nice to see you appreciate these... I've had most of them gathering dust for some time... the gay adoptions one is new...

Bird said...

What's this Bogs! You didn't come by my roost and alert me to the new post? I am so hurt ... SQUAWK!!!

I love The Onion, but enjoy it more in print and read it while riding the bus - mostly because of the odd looks I receive when I laugh out loud with vigor. Of course, once my fellow bus riders notice it's The Onion, they want to read along.

I'd love to see you write the articles as well as the headlines.

flap/flap/flap
SWOOOOSH!

Pete Bogs said...

boyed - I knew you'd find your way here before long... you're a homing bird, right?

Bird said...

i ain't no pigeon! SQUAWK!

i have a finely-tune navigation system and a well-earned reputation for the lengthiest migratory path of any bird (or animal) on the planet.

LeftLeaningLady said...

I actually stopped by to see if you had come back to comment on Crist's oil BS and I find a new post that has been here for 10 days! 10 DAYS!

They have not been a good 10 days for me, I could've used the laugh. These are good, The Onion should use them.

Pete Bogs said...

LLL - thanks for coming by... I am laying low these days... hope things look up for you soon...

dianne said...

Pete, hope you have a happy Summer Solstice or Midsummer as it is also known. It is a really big time of celebration in Ireland ( the Guinness would be flowing) and also Stonehenge in the UK where they really like to dress up in their garlands of flowers & dance around the countryside, would be fun I think. :)

Pete Bogs said...

dianne - thanks very much! I have heard about the goings-on at Stonehenge for the Solstice... sounds like great fun... I would personally dance around sans clothing and sacrifice a tofu animal...

dianne said...

Pete, I dont think the festival is quite as pagan as it once was, I'm sure they dont sacrifice animals, virgins or lost tourists any more to ensure a good harvest. I agree the tofu is a good idea. I wouldn't be naked of course I would just wear my very sheer flowing muslin dress, garland my hair with flowers & ribbons and we could dance around the countryside. Just have to watch out for those Druids though,they're a bit territorial, they get a bit antsy when folks trample all over their ruins! Lol :)

boneman said...

well, dang!
Most of them sounded like fine articles.
Maybe try the Washington Post, eh?

Say, I was looking at your avatar and realizing that you may have the answer to the depleted bee population....
Putting meat out under orchard trees.
It won't draw bees, but, flies also pollinate flowers, eh?

Pete Bogs said...

dianne - it's a date! sounds like a great time... I'll meet you in the northern hemisphere... ;-)

boney - did you know that is a honey-baked ham to boot? bees... honey... it's a winner!

dianne said...

Ok Pete its a date, see you at Stonehenge. I'll be the tall golden haired girl in the long white muslin dress, flowers in my hair,carrying a sheaf of wheat as an offering to ensure the coming harvest. See Avatar, my hair is much longer now and I will bring tofu, lentils & meade for our picnic,you can bring the Guinness. OK?

she said...

grrrrherhahahaha liberty spread! sorry to miss you in CenFla. hope your car situation is resolved.

she said...

bogshond! what kind of person do you think i am? i let the mole go! i only abused him for my movie. i put him down and he started diggin...then i tried to pull him back out and couldnt thats how strong he was. amazing! he had super sof fur too.

*dont tell cruella deville*

are you actually stringing for the onion??? i hope so. i think its time you update all of us on what you have accomplished since stopping bloggin. i mean, we, er, i, wanna know if it is worth it to deny us bogsblog.

dianne said...

Where are you Pete? It's getting a bit boring standing here at Stonehenge waiting for you to show up! :)

Pete Bogs said...

dianne - I tried to go but they turned me away at the border... something about not letting liberal bloggers into the country... but I shall try again under a different alias...

dianne said...

Yes Pete please try - my flowers have wilted and I've had to eat all of the tofu! ;)

Lil Bit said...

Don't leave us stranded like this, Pete!

Come baaaaaaaaaaaack!

*pouty lip*
lol

K9 said...

bogshond: this was my favorite

http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/feb/22/dog-rescued-marine-iraq-heading-calif/

good to see ya

Jack K. said...

sorry I have'nt stopped by in a while. I took you seriously when you said there would be an extended hiatus.

I'll get back to stopping by more frequently.

As for the "onion peels", lmao.