Thursday, September 27, 2007

An Afternoon With Ahmad Man

Lawmakers from NYC to DC are up in arms over Columbia University's decision to host Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a speech and Q&A session earlier this week. Some have even suggested pulling funding from the school as punishment.

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA), who was particularly vocal in his criticism of Columbia, apparently didn't watch the speech. University officials invited Ahmadinejad there and basically tore him a new one; it was no warm hero's welcome. It seems to me Republicants and consternatives in general would've enjoyed the opportunity to question him as speech attendees did.

It's safe to say Ahmadinejad didn't make any converts, he simply made an ass of himself. "We don't have homosexuals," he stated in response to questions about the oppression of gays in Iran. The audience loudly laughed this off. He also said Iranians are "friends with the Jewish people." This from a man who denies the Holocaust and says Israel should be wiped off the map.

My feeling is, it was ok to let the man make his speech. If we see him as an enemy, his own words can be used as a weapon against him. Again, he merely looked foolish, not powerful, behind that podium. And this was one of the few opportunities anyone had to question him without restrictions. We don't get those opportunities with our own president!

If funding is pulled from Columbia because they hosted a controversial comedian, only the students will suffer. Do we want to penalize college students, who are trying to get their lives started?

I wish the consternatives who are criticizing Columbia could've worked up as much anger when their patron saint sold weapons to Iran (remember 444 days in captivity), then pardoned his own henchmen.

Left: After a visit to New York City's Apple Store, Iranian President Ahmadinejad tries out his new "iLoon" MP3 player.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Sad, Shocking Outcome Of Globalization

It was only a matter of time before this happened. Symbol of the Decadent West, Barbie is facing summary execution in China over lead poisoning concerns. Ken is said to be up next in front of the firing squad, on charges of "corrupting the morals of China's youth" with his "depraved lifestyle preferences." (Most of us have known for years that the Barbie and Ken relationship was only for show, and that Ken was more interested in G.I. Joe. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Barbie was a real doll for fronting for Ken for so many years, IMHO.)

I, for one, will miss Babs. She was the only female I knew who never, ever made a fuss when you took her pants down.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Aspiring George Bushes Don't Care About Black People

All the big-name Republicant presidential candidates – Romney, Giuliani, McCain and TV's own Fred Thompson – have decided to skip a televised debate planned for September 27 before a primarily black studio audience.

The same candidates, save McCain, passed on a recent televised Spanish-language debate held by Univision in Miami.

And they were MIA at a same-sex issues presidential forum they were invited to recently in Los Angeles.

Hillary, Obama and Kucinich all accepted invitations to these or similar events.

The Republicants’ singular reason for skipping these events is “scheduling conflicts,” which comes right next to “I’m resigning so I can spend more time with my family” in the pantheon of politician bullshit. Even if these guys have scheduling conflicts, you'd think they'd be willing to rearrange some of their priorities. If you care enough about something (or someone) you’ll make time for them, no?

I’m willing to bet that a few of the Republicant candidates may have actually wanted to attend some of the debates but were afraid of 1) what their constituents might think and 2) how attendance at such events might be used against them by their intra-party rivals: “So and so is soft on immigration reform…” or “So and so attended a gay event and thus is not a pro-family values candidate…”

Some of us believe xenophobia is an inherent trait of the Republicant Party. Their 2008 candidates are so far certainly not doing anything to reverse that perception.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Alien Overlords Have Spoken!

Intelligent beings from another world are at it with the crop circles again. And this time the message is, apparently: "More Gerald Ford, please!"

Ford? Really, how intelligent could these overlords be? Well, they must at least be a little clumsy. I mean, a message in the form of a corn maize, er, maze? How corny!

Above: There'll be no preemptive pardon for the aliens who vandalized this land.

Elsewhere, otherworldly aliens have attacked Peru with a biological weapon in the guise of a meteorite (I was not fooled). The missile left a steaming crater 100 feet across; the steam carried an odor that sickened many local villagers, including officials who were dispatched to investigate the scene. (Some also may have seen the face of the Virgin Mary in the crater, but this is not confirmed.)

In response to this unwarranted attack on the West, President Bush has announced a counterattack plan to eliminate the aliens' WMD capabilities. You didn't think that Mars mission he announced a couple years ago was just for fun, did you? It's an invasion, man. I'm talking Martian regime change.

I personally think Bush should take a non-military, as in political, approach to this, with anti-alien legislation. It wouldn't be his first crack at it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Snow Place For Him In This Administration Any Longer

Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow's last day on that job is today. He's leaving “because he needs to make more money.” Well I say, Are there no workhouses? No prisons?

Perhaps Snow should become a contractor for the US government? Those folks get thrown all kinds of money (all ours) indiscriminately, and without question. Surely there's at least a lucrative lobbying position out there for a man with Snow's pedigree and connections? Damn this economy!!!

PS: I wish I made $168,000 per year! Ungrateful bastard.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Unhappy Anniversary

Why do we insist on commemorating tragic events year after year? It's not as if any of us will or can ever forget 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina or Princess Diana. I don't think we gain anything by holding yearly remembrance ceremonies.

I say we commemorate only birthdays, weddings, and other such occasions. The bad things, and those who suffered as a result, will not be forgotten. Should we carry sorrow over indefinitely?

Well, at least some people are trying to turn 9/11 into a positive thing: a day to do good deeds. More power to 'em!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

South By Southwest

Remember the good old days when Mom (Mum for our English and Australian friends) and Dad got gussied up just to go on a plane trip? Dad in his suit and hat and mom in her gloves and pearls? Hey, if you’re possibly going to meet your maker you want to make a good impression, right? Mom and Dad looked great, personal comfort be damned.

Mom and Dad would be most ashamed of Kyla Ebbert, who was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight (not while
in the air – calm down) for “revealing” clothing (a miniskirt). Ebbert was eventually let back on the plane, and remained covered with a blanket throughout the flight. It seems there were “concerns” about her appearance among some other passengers.

Southwest explained in a letter about the incident that they try to accommodate passengers “with heightened sensitivities.” Presumably not to prescription drugs, but to the human body.

Above: Some Southwest flight attendants after hours.
The woman in the middle is exhibiting what in Bogspeak
(the Bogsian lexicon, which also includes such words as "consterno")
is referred to as the "killer panty shot," or KPS. This was likely
one of Miss Ebbert's offenses.

I am reminded of my own post about what’s “offensive,” wherein I asked why the rights of the offended always seem to trump the rights of the “offender.” I’ve never heard a good answer to this question.

I always got a kick out of watching dinner scenes in
Leave It To Beaver (ohhh… kinda suggestive name, wasn’t it?). You know, where everyone dresses like they’re going to a wedding just to eat a casual meal at home?

I particularly love images of Victorian Era picnics, with everyone dressed to the nines to sit out in the bright, hot sunlight. "Such bloody Victorian prudery!" I can't believe an entire generation didn't die of heatstroke.

Too many Americans are overdressed, self-righteous control freaks. As for me, the next time I get on a plane I’m wearing a frickin' kilt. Just call me "Mr. Stone."

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Just Plane Crazy

Over two years ago, shortly after I started this blog, and before anyone read it, I wrote that the way to avoid problems with commercial airliners is to put every plane on the Air Force One maintenance program. That plane's so well taken care of, why shouldn't we all benefit from whatever they're doing right?

Well, officials at the troubled Nepal Airlines have come up with an even better way to deal with maintenance issues: blood sacrifice. They recently slaughtered two goats in front of a malfunctioning plane, which has since reportedly been running smoothly. Wow! Who knew?

PS: Michael Vick should try for a job as a Nepal Airlines spokesman when he gets out of the joint.

PSS: Is it really a "sacrifice" when you're making another creature give up its life?