Friday, August 31, 2007

McCain On Public Assistance

Presidential candidate John McCain's campaign is bringing in so little money that he's now eligible for public assistance. The notion of a representative of the party that hates "entitlements" such as welfare needing financial assistance from the government to run his campaign is indeed delicious.

At least McCain knows where he can find his next meal.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Exclusive: Bush To Commute Michael Vick's Prison Sentence

I have acquired an advance copy of President Bush’s upcoming announcement regarding his commutation of fallen NFL star Michael Vick's prison sentence (note the date of issue and the still-TBD parts). Yup, you read right. How did this document come into my possession? I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. The point is, the statement’s already been written, meaning no matter what Vick’s sentenced to on December 10 (probably a combination of prison time, a fine and probation), he will still have the prison sentence commuted regardless. There’s something strangely familiar about all this.

December 10, 2007

The U.S. District Court in Richmond, Virginia today sentenced Michael Vick to (TBD). As a result, Mr. Vick will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

This case has generated significant commentary and debate. Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case.

I respect the federal prosecutors’ efforts. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Vick is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Vick's sentence that required him to spend (TBD) months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Vick. I mean, he’s already lost the Nike deal for God’s sake. In other words, no money. And he will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as an athlete, high-profile corporate spokesperson and private citizen will be long-lasting.

I made this decision not only because I believe Mr. Vick and his family have already suffered enough, but to spare the American people the pain of a tainted NFL playoff season. If that happens, the terrorists win. The lessons of September the 11th show us that not only is America vulnerable, but that America’s favorite pastime and institution is also vulnerable. I do not have to remind any American of the national anguish we suffered by having to endure a delayed Super Bowl in 2002.

The Constitution gives the president the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the penalty in Mr. Vick's case is an appropriate exercise of this power.

Do you think it’s any coincidence that Attorney General Alberto “Gonzo” Gonzales picked today – the same day Americans are glued to their televisions for Vick’s court appearance – to resign? He’s trying to bury this story harder than an Abu Ghraib guard staging a mock burial of a detainee.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Let's Get This Party Ended

On August 30, a Texas convict is set to be executed for murder, even though everyone acknowledges he did not kill anyone. Kenneth Foster was the driver for a group of friends who went about town robbing people at gunpoint one night in 1996 when one of those friends got into an altercation and shot a man dead.

Foster is no angel, indeed. But we don’t execute people for robbery in this country. Well, yet. Under a Texas statute referred to as the “law of parties,” though, anyone who was a party to a murder can be convicted and executed for it. That’s how Foster ended up on death row.

I remember as a kid getting in trouble when a member of my group of friends unexpectedly did something they weren’t supposed to do: tossing an object at a car, taking an item from someone’s driveway, etc.

How are we to know what our friends are thinking about doing, and why should we be held responsible for their actions? Are we the fucking Borg Collective or something?

Foster should’ve only been convicted on the robbery and weapons charges. Unfortunately for him, Texas seems to be competing with China for the title "Most Execution-Happy Place On The Map."

Monday, August 20, 2007

China: Operation Condor A Success

China's own "Operation Condor" has been judged a success by representatives of that country after the death of an endangered American condor. The bird recently died of lead poisoning at the Los Angeles Zoo. Crestfallen zoo officials have vowed to never again purchase condor toys from China.

China, for its part, seems intent on continuing its war on all things American through tainted consumer goods. The evil, evil bastards! When will we wake up to their devious agenda?

PS: Note the unsurprising nation of origin for this plane.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Further Fragmentation

Ice Cream Man Moonlights As The Candy Man
Mister Softee, say it ain't so! As a young lad in Brooklyn I always excitedly scrambled home for some cash when I heard the ice cream man’s incessant tune growing near. But nowadays I’d need to grab bail money if I wanted any of his frozen treats, since a New York ice cream truck operator has been busted for selling something other than soft serve ice cream – hard drugs. The old neighborhood’s changed a bit since I left. “I’ll have one Heavenly Hash, please!”

Thank You For Printing
According to one study, toner particles from computer printers are as
harmful to human lungs as cigarettes. If true, we must certainly put an end to printer advertising on TV, which impressionable children might be watching. I’m always shocked and saddened to see these addicts who get right off a plane and immediately hit the “print” button. But I don’t feel bad for those inconsiderate people who insist on printing documents at the next table while I’m trying to enjoy a nice meal. There ought to be a law, I tell you.

Power Trip
has sent a DVD containing works by major science fiction writers on a trip to Mars. I certainly hope they used the right region coding for the Red Planet’s DVD players. I wonder if the Martian players run on 50 Hz or 60 Hz current. And do they have those weird plugs, as in the UK and Europe? I hope someone thought to include a power adapter in the package.

As If!
A college study was conducted to determine and distinguish men's and women's reasons for having sex. As if anyone needs a reason to knock boots, an activity with which "reason" often has very little to do.

Unconventional Wisdom
Shouldn’t “redouble” be synonymous with “quadruple?”

Friday, August 03, 2007

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Online Forum

Last Wednesday through Sunday I was in Boston spending time with a group of friends. What a great town, and what a great bunch of people. I had a blast. I talked, laughed and sang (yes, sang) so much that my voice went out of whack and I was being referred to as "Peter Brady."

Bogs does Boston

While away I didn’t keep up with world events, nor did I add any new posts or comments to my blog. (I actually tried to check it one day from a hotel computer, but the site was found to have “forbidden” words [“blowjob”] and wouldn’t load.)

Being out of touch with the world for several days while spending time with such positive people has made me reluctant to crawl back into the muck through which I regularly seek to find or provide clarity.

I have been avoiding most media sources all week. Essentially, I’ve had my head in the sand, and find those tiny rocks aren’t irritating my ears in the least. I honestly feel changed for the better after my sabbatical, and I am not in a hurry to change back.

This is not to say I feel the people who visit my site are negative; you’re all awesome. It’s the topics, which I pick, that are draining to me. Not so much the mechanics of putting down words into a post (I enjoyed doing the required papers in college that so many fellow students grumbled about), but having to contend with some ugly things (war, ignorance, corruption, etc.) so regularly.

Yet, I started this blog because I had a lot to say, and wanted an unfiltered outlet for my views. That's what I got. What am I complaining about? I’m not really complaining, I’m just questioning myself.

And those questions are: What now? Post less frequently? Keep it light and breezy? Revert to my "older, funnier" posts? Give it a rest for awhile? I still haven’t decided. Maybe in a few days I’ll simply snap out of it (my aversion to all things negative). I continue to ponder my future direction on this site.