Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Ireland And England Back At War? The Battle Of The Red And The Grey Begins Anew

Despite years of talks and hard-won treaties, the tenuous peace between England and Ireland is in jeopardy, as factions from each country have once again begun to clash with one another in the Dublin area. Ireland’s red squirrels (henceforth “Irish Reds”) are facing eviction from their own lands by English grey squirrels (henceforth “UK Greys”).

The latter were brought to Ireland in the early 1900s in an attempt to subvert the native species. When England withdrew from what later became known as the Irish Free State and partitioned the country in 1921, the UK Greys stayed behind.

“These so-called treaties are not binding on us (squirrels),” said UK Grey spokesrodent Ian Pine-Nut. “I’m in favour of peace but we did not authorise any treaty. We must be invited to the tree in good faith and be allowed to participate in the negotiations process before any lasting peace is possible.”

Relative calm has been maintained among Ireland's squirrel population in recent decades, up until an incident last month in which one Irish Red lost his sight and another his tail. An explosive device disguised as a pile of acorns was placed at the foot of a tree, and when the tree’s Irish Red denizens went to collect them the device detonated. UK Greys were immediately suspected, but have denied any involvement.

“(Those Irish Reds) were clearly injured while creating their own bomb to use on us, and it serves them right,” responded a UK Grey who wished to be identified only as "Nigel." “It shows their overtures toward peace to be false and self-serving.”


Above: UK Grey "Nigel."

Said Irish Red Seamus McNutty in response: “We don’t want a fight, but if (the UK Greys) bring one we’ll meet it, and in earnest. We’ve been fighting this battle for hundreds of years, and we know well how to deal with their kind, thanks be to God."

"We cannot be criticised for acting in our own defence in the face of naked aggression," added McNutty .

Former US President Bill Clinton, who arranged the Good Friday Accord in 1998, may be brought in to foster a peace agreement between the squirrels, but no firm plans have thus far been made.



Above: An unidentified Irish Red lookout spots a UK Grey brigade.

Next post Friday: Four more to go!

11 comments:

LeftLeaningLady said...

Very nicely done. Have you contacted any of the networks to volunteer to write for them? I know the Soaps have brought in scabs and are working to ensure they remain anonymous. You should give them a call!

Pete Bogs said...

LLL - thanks... I haven't submitted a resume to any media outlets in some time... I did do a "scab" post here a few weeks back!

ArtfulSub said...

Will the troubles never cease?

Pete Bogs said...

art - both sides have to really WANT peace...

Jack K. said...

What would happen if we just said, "Nuts to you all?"

Pete Bogs said...

jack - those are fightin' words!

Aunty Belle said...

one of mah favorite ole' timey candy is "Squirrel nut zippers".

Pete Bogs said...

aunt b - never heard of the candy, but there's a band with that name... now I guess I know what it means!

ArtfulSub said...

An army of jellyfish have decimated the Irish Salmon Industry. One suspects an unholy alliance between said Jellyfish and the British Grays.

Pete Bogs said...

art - sounds like nature winning over commerce... in that instance I support it...

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