Monday, August 27, 2007

Exclusive: Bush To Commute Michael Vick's Prison Sentence

I have acquired an advance copy of President Bush’s upcoming announcement regarding his commutation of fallen NFL star Michael Vick's prison sentence (note the date of issue and the still-TBD parts). Yup, you read right. How did this document come into my possession? I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. The point is, the statement’s already been written, meaning no matter what Vick’s sentenced to on December 10 (probably a combination of prison time, a fine and probation), he will still have the prison sentence commuted regardless. There’s something strangely familiar about all this.

December 10, 2007

The U.S. District Court in Richmond, Virginia today sentenced Michael Vick to (TBD). As a result, Mr. Vick will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

This case has generated significant commentary and debate. Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case.

I respect the federal prosecutors’ efforts. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Vick is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Vick's sentence that required him to spend (TBD) months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Vick. I mean, he’s already lost the Nike deal for God’s sake. In other words, no money. And he will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as an athlete, high-profile corporate spokesperson and private citizen will be long-lasting.

I made this decision not only because I believe Mr. Vick and his family have already suffered enough, but to spare the American people the pain of a tainted NFL playoff season. If that happens, the terrorists win. The lessons of September the 11th show us that not only is America vulnerable, but that America’s favorite pastime and institution is also vulnerable. I do not have to remind any American of the national anguish we suffered by having to endure a delayed Super Bowl in 2002.

The Constitution gives the president the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the penalty in Mr. Vick's case is an appropriate exercise of this power.

Do you think it’s any coincidence that Attorney General Alberto “Gonzo” Gonzales picked today – the same day Americans are glued to their televisions for Vick’s court appearance – to resign? He’s trying to bury this story harder than an Abu Ghraib guard staging a mock burial of a detainee.

10 comments:

Horus said...

lol. This was funny. But it was the strangest thing, just as I was about to laugh, I cried instead.

Infinitesimal said...

mother effer!

"believe Mr. Vick and his family have already suffered enough, but to spare the American people the pain of a tainted NFL playoff season. If that happens, the terrorists win. The lessons of September the 11th show us that not only is America vulnerable, but that America’s favorite pastime and institution is also vulnerable. I do not have to remind any American of the national anguish we suffered by having to endure a delayed Super Bowl in 2002. "

Vick won, the terrorist won.
He slowly electrocuted dogs who did not fight savagely enough.
You know what? It kinda sounds like Bush has attended these kind of dogfights before. It is not like the guy broke the LAW or something, hey man, he lost his NIKE deal, isn't that enough of a punishment.

You know what? I am pretty sure if we VOTE next year, the terrorists will win, it is best to stay at home and purchase crap from the home shopping network.

Bogs, I am pretty sure that this blog post is paving the way for the terrorists to win. If you don't drive your car, the terrorists will win, ...no really, that one he really said in 2002.

What else?
Don't buy generic groceries, or the terrorists will win!

Boycott NPR, Democracy Now, and Free Speech Television, or the terrorists will win.

If you do not send your son off the fight in Iraq, the terrorists will win.

We must invade Iran, or the terrorists will win.

Ooops, I am sorry, he is saving that one for a bit closer to the elections.

I feel as though I am caught in the political version of a Troma movie.
It is so out of the realms of perception, that it is laughable.

I wish Nader had a protege.

LeftLeaningLady said...

Sometimes you are funny, sometimes silly and sometimes scary, but you usually make me think. This was probably one of the scariest posts I have read lately. I wish I could believe that this was just a joke, but I could see this happening on Dec 10. I could see him being more concerned about the Nike deal than the tortured dogs. He didn't worry about people being tortured, why would he worry about dogs.

And you are right on with the comments about Gonzalez. I probably could have gotten away with a lot yesterday if I had timed it during Vick's press conference.

Jack K. said...

Wow! While this may be an idle thought of the possible, it sounds too true to ignore. To that end I have just taken time to "steal" something from Polly's post that might have application here.

I can only shake my head at the potential reality of it. ARRRGH!

Pete Bogs said...

horus - it is a sad story, at the core...

infini - thanks for the review, and preview, of the Bush Doctrine! I bet he fights Barney and Miss Beazley when Laura's not looking!

LLL - both events Vick's appearance, Gonzo's resignation speech) were scheduled for 10:30 yesterday... interesting, no?

jack - thanks for the link there! the final chapter of the Vick saga is not yet written, I fear...

the.red.mantissa said...

we have become fearful and suspicious ~ the terrorists have already won.

i might be inclined to laugh at this post ~ were it not too far-fetched to wonder ... if there's some twisted element of truth to this ... it would not surprise me.

Jack K. said...

The time is here for us to wrest democracy from the clutches of the neocons.

Wake up America.

Pete Bogs said...

jack - perhaps after we take back America we can make neocons fight to the death for our amusement? LOL

hey, a guy can dream, can't he? and it's certainly relevant...

Jack K. said...

A great idea. However, the weapon of choice shall be ours.

Cream puffs at five paces.

snerx. We don't want to make it easy for them, do we?

Bird said...

now wait just a minute, bogs. FOOTBALL is the nation's favorite past time?

PULEEZE!

BASEBALL is America's favorite past time. Baseball is us. We are baseball. The entire psyche of the country can be examined and explained via baseball.

I really don't understand why the football season starts before the baseball season ends. Makes absolutely no sense to me.

I'm back on the grid - my Internet problems resolved - looks like I have a lot of catching up to do...

Not to mention re-education.

I'm signing you up for American Psyche and Baseball Re-education Camp. You needn't pack a thing - we provide all! Pinstripes, glove, and little red book.

flap/flap/swoosh!