In Britain, female genital mutilation (alternately and inaccurately referred to as “female circumcision”) is becoming a serious issue due to an increasing number of African and Middle Eastern immigrants. I think anyone found guilty of performing, assisting or allowing one of these horrendous procedures (intended to preserve her "honor") ought to be forced to live in a pigsty and eat an all-pork diet indefinitely. The perpetrators might prefer death to that punishment, but I say we go whole hog on their asses.
Over in France, the mayor of Paris is trying to get his city to be more polite to tourists in an effort to protect that important revenue stream. I guess that “freedom fries” thing really hit them hard, eh? (I saw that item on a menu at lunch yesterday; time to get some new menus printed up, I’d say.) The popular destination is notorious as being tough on those who don’t speak the language or who aren’t versed in other local customs. Well, if Rudy “Lil’ Bill Clinton” Giuliani could make New York City denizens “nice,” I suppose this could work, too. But I have just one question: Does this new Parisian politeness include improved personal hygiene?
China’s war on quality goods continues. A popular snack item over there has been found to be made up, in large part, of cardboard. This is not the kind of fiber anyone needs! Whatever happened to the good old days of having to worry about MSG or household pets?
In Vatican City, the Pope has made it known that the Catholic church is the only real church. Above all, you’ve got to love Benedict XVI for his humility. Since the Vatican is a sovereign country, I think the outraged Christians of the world ought to declare war on it. Launch a crusade, if you will. But instead of converting them to Protestantism, force them all to become Unitarians just out of spite.
Brazil is going nuke-u-ler. Yes, that country’s president has announced that he intends to spend a boatload of money on the development of a nuclear submarine and uranium enrichment facilities. Personally, I think the country should stick to what it does best, fighting its eponymous war on pubic hair. And speaking of (B)ush, I hope to God that our president doesn’t have any comment on Brazil’s plans, lest we be forced to hear that word out of his mouth.
Libya has upheld the death sentences of six foreign health workers who have been charged with infecting Libyan children with AIDS. Medical experts agree that the cases were likely caused by the unsanitary conditions present in the kids’ hospital before the medicos arrived, but no matter: Libyans want vengeance! This ongoing travesty (the convicted have been held in prison since 1999) didn’t stop President Bush from announcing that he's sending the first US diplomat to that country in three and a half decades to begin normalizing relations. Nor did the fact that Libya still hasn’t atoned for its involvement in the Pan Am Flight 103 Lockerbie disaster. It’s pretty obvious that a country led by a man who can’t decide how to spell his name is not to be trusted.
In Spain, some unfortunate bulls had their horns stained with the blood of idiotic locals and tourists desperate to compensate for their tiny genitals through foolish acts of machismo during the annual running of the bulls in Pamplona. If we’re lucky, we’ll get to see another angry bull hop over the wall into a stunned crowd (como en Mexico) during the subsequent bullfights. Kind of like NASCAR for the Euro set, but more like that scene in Spartacus when the gladiator tries to kill his vile spectators instead of his opponent. Got to love that fighting spirit! ¡Soy Spartacus! (That was a "Dennis Miller extended obscure reference" moment, in case you didn't catch it.)
And the news from Down Under is that a wanted Aussie p(a)edophile has been sworn in as attorney general of the neighboring Solomon Islands. Maybe American officials are not so bad after all? Nah, they're crap, too. Bad eggs.
I'm Pete Bogs, and this has been the News of the World. Have a safe Friday the 13th.