Friday, June 15, 2007

Save Sam!!!

Toucan Sam, the Joe Camel of children’s breakfast cereal, may be facing extinction.

In response to the, um, growing obesity problem among America’s youth (and their concerned, litigious parents), cereal maker Kellogg Co. has agreed to increase the nutritional content of its products. Further, it has agreed to limit marketing to children; this will impact some of the cartoon characters typically associated with cereals.

And all because of some stupid fat kids. Look at ‘em, stupid fat kids, with their boy-boobs and their shortness of breath.

Not all cereal-pushing personalities are going away, however. Corporate brands can take decades to establish, and the resulting name recognition is a large part of many companies’ success. So Kellogg, for one, is understandably reticent to throw that all away.

Come to the think of it, while Tony the Tiger is said to be safe from the cull, he probably should go. Do we really want to make large, exotic cats look friendly to children? For any kids in the audience: Tigers don’t walk around on two legs. Or talk. Or wear bandanas around their necks.

Gay cereal spokescartoons do, however, sometimes wear bandanas. As a sidebar to this story, it seems Snap, Crackle and Pop have come out as life partners in a bizarre but not entirely unforeseen love triangle.

Unable to move to Massachusetts for legal nuptials, the three have decided to get married at sea, in international waters, by good friend Cap’n Crunch. The ability to marry passengers is one of the privileges of a sea captain, as we all know.

While for various reasons Tony and Snap, Crackle and Pop may not be the best of role models for growing children, Cap’n Crunch certainly is. He’s put in a life of service at sea doing, well, whatever it is he does.

Actually, I’ve never been quite sure what kind of business he’s in. Commercial freight? Cruise liner? Piracy?

Wait a minute, what was this thread about again? Oh yeah, cereal. Cereal is good. I like cereal.

17 comments:

Jack K. said...

Oatmeal with some walnut pieces, cinnamon and a little brown sugar make a very nice breakfast.

Pete Bogs said...

jack - yeah, but where's the cartoon character? lol... wait, I got it, that Quaker Oats man... Ben Franklin-looking dude...

Jack K. said...

Glad to see you finally made the connection. See what all of the sugar does to your brain? giggle.

she said...

theres always "waking up with the king"....you know, the giant plastic psycho whos in your bed with you when you wake up? obstensibly to sell you a 4500 calorie sausage biscuit. with a side of country crock.

but of course my favorite cereal peddler is the homobphobic pink frosted mini wheat.

bad-ass wheat man!

kate said...

Labels: commercialism, fallen icons, gay rights

That was the bit I found the funniest... your labels! hehehehe

They can come target me. I love junky cereal! (although I wouldnt consider mine boy-boobs, I was a fat kid and do have asthema... maybe there is something to this!?!?!? lol)

Bird said...

Toucan Sam - is he the weird bird on the cocoa puffs box? You know, "I'm cookoo for cocoa puffs!."

And what - no mention of the Trix rabbit?

Or the Lucky Charms leprechaun?

She- that is a petrifying image you describe. The king of sausage - in my bed? NEVER!

the.red.mantissa said...

yes. cartoon characters heavily influence all of my food purchase decisions. NOT.

the quaker dude looked sort of constipated. i did like the trippy, talking, animated aunt jemima syrup bottle, though.

i wonder, why does food need to walk and talk in cartoon form (i'm thinking wheat cartoons) in order to seem appealing to the masses? can't it seem appealing based on its own merit, whatever that may be?

giant plastic BK psycho ~ lol. you mean, he's not real? haha.

Pete Bogs said...

a sure-fire way to get an R-rating on a film: have a character smoking cigarettes while eating a sugary cereal...

she - methinks the wheat man dost protest too much!

kate - nice to see ya! yeah, I can have fun with the labels...

bird - Toucan Sam is Froot Loops... I can't remember the name of that cuckoo thing... I'm saving Trix and Lucky Charms for a sequel...

red - true... you'd think the amount of sugar alone would be incentive enough to eat these yummy cereals...

btw, my favorite of all these cereals is Cap'n Crunch... there's something about a man in uniform... lol... seriously, those things tear up the roof of your mouth, but they're good!

the.red.mantissa said...

i saw a dq commercial and it made me long for the good old days when dennis the menace was considered a good enough marketing tool for DQ. alas, now i have to watch some commercial involving food lusting after other food? if my choices are food getting sexual and cartoon versions of food, then i say, keep the cartoons.

she said...

"trix" is the worst influence of all; he's on drugs. look at his eyes. they're pink.

Pete Bogs said...

you ever wonder why we don't see Trix anymore? OD'ed a few years back... couldn't get off the junk...

Bird said...

the rabbit has pink eye and is infecting millions of kids - gross!

but really, those cereal characters are ALL on drugs. probably amphetamines of some kind - though surely - someone in there is on acid.

i used to love cap'n crunch. what a sugary snack that is. great by the handful on a road trip too!

off to research the cocoa puffs bird. i'll report back - i'm sure everyone is on pins and needles trying to remember his name.

Pete Bogs said...

I am going to the grocery store momentarily... I will peruse the cereal aisle...

Bird said...

sonny.

that's that crazy, cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs bird's name.

now you rest easy.

flap/flap/CUCKOO!

Pete Bogs said...

silly bird, Trix are for kids...

Infinitesimal said...

this is one of the topics of my thesis by the way

the crap sold as food and what it does to the mind

and for the record, i think crackle of snap crackle and pop is a first mate sailor.

(there is some controversy as to his occupation you know...)

Pete Bogs said...

infini - crackle is a rent boy who caters to men who like the sailor getup...