Toucan Sam, the Joe Camel of children’s breakfast cereal, may be facing extinction.
In response to the, um, growing obesity problem among America’s youth (and their concerned, litigious parents), cereal maker Kellogg Co. has agreed to increase the nutritional content of its products. Further, it has agreed to limit marketing to children; this will impact some of the cartoon characters typically associated with cereals.
And all because of some stupid fat kids. Look at ‘em, stupid fat kids, with their boy-boobs and their shortness of breath.
Not all cereal-pushing personalities are going away, however. Corporate brands can take decades to establish, and the resulting name recognition is a large part of many companies’ success. So Kellogg, for one, is understandably reticent to throw that all away.
Come to the think of it, while Tony the Tiger is said to be safe from the cull, he probably should go. Do we really want to make large, exotic cats look friendly to children? For any kids in the audience: Tigers don’t walk around on two legs. Or talk. Or wear bandanas around their necks.
Gay cereal spokescartoons do, however, sometimes wear bandanas. As a sidebar to this story, it seems Snap, Crackle and Pop have come out as life partners in a bizarre but not entirely unforeseen love triangle.
Unable to move to Massachusetts for legal nuptials, the three have decided to get married at sea, in international waters, by good friend Cap’n Crunch. The ability to marry passengers is one of the privileges of a sea captain, as we all know.
While for various reasons Tony and Snap, Crackle and Pop may not be the best of role models for growing children, Cap’n Crunch certainly is. He’s put in a life of service at sea doing, well, whatever it is he does.
Actually, I’ve never been quite sure what kind of business he’s in. Commercial freight? Cruise liner? Piracy?
Wait a minute, what was this thread about again? Oh yeah, cereal. Cereal is good. I like cereal.