Friday, January 19, 2007

Take Me Out To The Sermon

Major League Baseball teams such as the Colorado Rockies are apparently now sponsoring “Faith Days” in an effort to fill pews, er, seats at games in their respective parks. (Don't ask me why this story is being reported during the off-season; I don't know.)

On these designated days, church groups enjoy special discounts on tickets; activities include players testifying about their faith in the Big Man Above, live Christian music and more.

While somewhat popular, these events have thus far been very limited in terms of 1) adhering to core spiritual values and, 2) appealing to people of various sects and faiths, including non-Christian ones.

I have some suggestions on how to change that:

Encourage vendors to take a break from robbing people at the concession stands, merchandise stands and parking garages.

Replace nachos with communion hosts. Unleavened wafers, but don’t be stingy with the cheese!

Prohibit players from openly scratching or adjusting their private parts – a common site at pro baseball games. Further, prohibit homoerotic behaviors such as congratulatory buttock smacking (typically given to a player after a good hit/play) and bench-clearing pile-ons (such as occur when a melee breaks out on the field).

Replace the coaches’ and catchers’ hand signals with the Sign of the Cross (spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch).

Replace “trash talk” (“Hey, batter, batter, batter...”) with speaking in tongues.

Replace players’ caps with yarmulkes.

Refer to a second or subsequent at-bat for a player as “reincarnation.”

Adopt the motto, “What is the sound of one fan clapping?”

Replace “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” with “Go Tell It On The Mountain.”

Replace the ripe-for-innuendo and potentially embarrassing term “balls” (as in “balls and strikes”) with the innocuous “wayward pitches.”

Hold an Islamist Day. This would entail entry without security pat-downs. Containers such as coolers would be permitted inside, unsearched, and with no questions asked.

That’s all I have to say about that, but I am open to additional suggestions. Play ball!


Anonymous said...

The only addition I have is for them to collect your %10 on the way in and after the 7th, just to keep true to traditions and have you saying What the tithe?!

Pete Bogs said...

a tithe! brilliant, mr q... maybe the umps can grant indulgences by overturning some of their calls for a price?

Bird said...

now let's not forget about the sacrifice bunt - and even though the batter is out, make him carry the cross all around the diamond.

after, they can string him up on the cross with icicle lights.

Pete Bogs said...

bird - indeed, the sacrifice hitter is the Christ figure of baseball... maybe we should wear little bats around our necks to acknowledge their sacrifice?

Hellpig said...

wouldn't it be suicide bunter?

Bird said...

pig - doesn't that depend on the religious affiliaton of the player?

are there any muslims playing baseball in the us?

or anywhere in the world?

and that brings me to

the perfect solution:

if everyone would just play baseball, we could have world peace!

giants signed barry zitto of the oakland a's (oldnews now)
at last we have a pitcher

but bonds is till unsigned - they are dicking around. geesh!

how are the mariners looking pig?

and the marlins, bogs?

Hellpig said...


Bogs this didnt take long did it,and suprise not a neocon.....

Hellpig said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hellpig said...

sorry here it is


Pete Bogs said...

hell - OT, but ties in with my earlier post about the primaries, and how they turn party members on each other...

Anonymous said...

You present a very reasonable approach to the issue.

I agree with the Q-man.

bird, raises an interesting question or two.

hell's comment concerning suicide does raise the need to carfully consider the ramifications.

Islamist day is a very unique and thoughtful idea.

baseball everyone?

Hellpig said...

actually I am breaking one of my own personel rules never talk baseball until after the superbowl,baseball is already 162 games let me relish football for 2 more weeks

Pete Bogs said...

all - it is early to talk about baseball... like I said, I don't know why it was reported now... since it was, I jumped on it...

Anonymous said...

too bad theres no hail mary in baseball

Pete Bogs said...

anon - my thoughts exactly!

Bird said...

no hail marys,


mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa...

as penance, i will give up baseball talk for lent.