Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Hump Day Hodgepodge

"All bras half off." - actual department store sign

It drives me nuts when someone calls me on the phone, and when I pick up, they continue to talk to someone at their end for another 30 seconds before acknowledging me. Dialing a phone is a commitment; don't call me unless you mean it, and you're ready to talk. Once you dial, you're on my time.

I previously stated that I think menopause should be called "menostop." I've since reconsidered; it should be called "womenopause." Yeah, I like it.

I think washing one's hands ought to be considered a patriotic duty, and those who do not do so should be publicly chided and possibly even fined. I picture Soviet-style propaganda posters in restrooms featuring paranoia-inducing messages like "Did You Wash Those Hands Well Enough?" and "Germs Are Not Your Friends." I'd even provide rewards to those who "inform" on others who fail to wash their hands. Seriously, folks, we keep hearing more and more about how hand washing is crucial to helping prevent the spread of some diseases. It's such a simple thing. Do your duty. We're all in this together, and I don't want your damned germs.

I get a kick out of motorcycle riders. It's not only the "Watch Out For Motorcycles" bumper stickers they have on their cars, which put the onus of safety on me because they've decided to drive an unsafe vehicle between traffic lanes at 90 mph without a helmet, that give me a chuckle. It's their insistence on wearing t-shirts touting motorcycling while motorcycling. Do we all wear car shirts when driving our cars? Do pilots wear t-shirts with pictures of planes on them? Sea captains, little boats? So what if I sometimes wear a band's shirt to their concert? It's different.

I hereby demand that advertisements for movies and TV shows discontinue the use of the word "event." Movies and TV shows are not events; an event is a significant occurrence of a specific duration. Woodstock was an event. OK, it was also a movie, but you get my meaning. Jesus, picky picky.

Should radio stations that changed music formats two years ago be allowed to continue calling themselves "new" indefinitely? I think not. Time to get some new promos, you guys.

And now, our main feature...

The "brassiere" is 100 years old this year. No word yet on whether it's going to go out on the town to celebrate and loosen up a bit. One thing's for certain: It's been through a lot of changes over the years. At one time it had torpedo-shaped cups that severely distorted the woman's natural shape (see Lieutenant Uhura as an example) and likely poked out many an eye. Once it had way too much fabric for its own good (the "industrial strength" bra, as I call it); your grandmother wore one of these, and she probably still does. During the 60s the bra was sometimes used as an incendiary device. And the Wonder Bra was hailed as a miraculous invention for the volume and lift it gave women during the 90s.

Above: This fine pair of mushrooms I came across
would not look at all out of place in a brassiere.

As popular as the padded, sculpted model and copycat products have become (they are arguably the "standard" bra nowadays), overall I think it was a setback for women's apparel. At least from a male perspective. Sure, it looks good (if the woman knows how to wear it), but that's only an illusion. We've all been told that looks aren't everything, right? It's what inside (the bra) that counts.

And what of the "feel?" Padded bras have had a deleterious impact on heavy petting. Getting to second base hasn't been the same since their introduction. A whole generation of teen boys is now walking around thinking it copped a feel last Saturday night after the football game; those guys might as well have been fondling the couch cushions. Who wants a handful of foam? How romantic is that? Yeah, give me a nice unpadded, front-opening model any day. And make me 16 again, so I can have another shot at being an early bloomer.

Next post Friday: End of an era!

Monday, November 26, 2007

I’ll Miss Him A Lott

Pete Bogs is not the only controversial figure who will soon be leaving his post. Mississippi Republicant Senator Trent Lott is departing Congress before the end of his current term, citing "other opportunities."

What could these opportunities be, I wonder? Will he become a high-paid lobbyist, keeping that revolving door between Congress and big business spinning? Perhaps he’ll become a consultant; if so, he’s certainly smarter than I, as I still haven’t figured out what one does. Or maybe he’ll become a professional keynote speaker? I’m sure Liberty University, Bob Jones University (BJU) and a few other traditional institutions would love to have him as their resident commencement address giver-in-chief.

Lott was not only once an actual cheerleader, but was also a proud cheerleader for the pre-civil rights South. Man, how we really blew it with that desegregation nonsense! I will miss Lott's quaint beliefs on racial equality and his spray-on hairdo.

Lott's departure adds to a growing list of Republicant Congressmen (and presidential cabinet members) who are leaving Washington, DC for greener (i.e. the color of money) pastures. I am picturing rats leaving a sinking ship... and heading straight for the bank.

Next post Wednesday: Two more to go!

Friday, November 23, 2007

In Mixed Company: The Latest In Religion, Politics And Sex

HOT! Chinese firefighters are taking heat for accepting sexual favors as bribes. I will take a pass on the obligatory firehose joke here.

NOT COOL! A 19-year-old Saudi woman who was gang-raped has been given 200 lashes (and not the eye kind!) and six months in jail for being in a car with a male who was not her relative. Despite international pressure, the Saudi Ministry of Justice is standing by the verdict, as the "charges" against the woman have been "proven." So fucking what? You people are barbarians who have no place living in the 21st century! When is President Bush going to order an invasion of Saudi Arabia to free those oppressed people?

“Look at you, holding hands with the man from Riyadh...
Would you care to explain?”

HOT AIR! Kyla Ebbert, the former Hooters waitress who was nearly removed from a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing a miniskirt, is thumbing her clothes at the airline with a nude, um, spread on Next stop, her own talk show or CD? My apartment, perhaps? (I kid; she's a made-up ho.)

PROGRESS! Though stem cells have now been
created from skin instead of human embryos, I’m sure the Catholic Church will still find some reason to object.

TRANSGRESS! Why not covet your brother's wife? Because you could become a father-uncle, and that's confusing. But it didn’t stop Earl Paulk, head of the Cathedral of the Holy Spirit at Chapel Hill Harvester Church from “knowing” his sister-in-law and
“begetting” a son-nephew some three and a half decades ago. Church may be a place for family, but this is ridiculous. Oh, the seeds we sow when we sow those seeds in bed.

Above: Tennis wunderkind Maria Sharapova awaits
the boarding call for a Southwest Airlines flight.

BUSTED! Warren Jeffs, leader of a branch of the Utah-based Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, has been convicted as an accomplice to rape for arranging a forced marriage between a 14-year-old girl and her 19-year-old cousin. That’ll show these religious sex maniacs. I have some attractive cousins, but come on!

WELL, DUH! Former Bush spokesman Scott McClellan has written a new book in which he claims that, not only were Karl Rove and Lewis “Scooter” Libby involved in leaking the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame, but Dick Cheney, George W. Bush and Bush’s chief of staff Andrew Card were all directly involved. Feeling guilty about all those years of denial, Scotty? You lying bastard. Enabler!!!

THE PASSION OF THE CHEAP LABOR! Christ may have suffered on the cross for our sins, but some Chinese workers have had a pretty rough time themselves while creating depictions of same. St. Patrick’s Cathedral and other churches have apparently been selling crucifixes made in Chinese sweatshops. I’ll give the churches (which have since suspended sales of some items) the benefit of the doubt that they didn’t know from whence the merchandise came, but we’ve seriously got to stop buying stuff from "those people" (the Chinese). They probably make the Christ figure out of lead.

Above: Scott McClellan answers a question about his IQ.

SPILL IT! Presidential Candidate Rudy "Mr. 9/11" Giuliani's consulting firm, Guiliani Partners, has been reticent to reveal a complete list of its clients, explaining that some of those clients have requested their identities remain private. How can we be sure there are no Al-Qaedas or worse, Bernard Keriks, among the bunch if Rudy won't fess up? If we must have a president with a lisp and a comb-over, we should at least be sure he's on the up-and-up.

There! Now who says it's not polite to talk about religion, politics or sex in mixed company? I found that quite stimulating.

Next post Monday: Three more to go!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Ireland And England Back At War? The Battle Of The Red And The Grey Begins Anew

Despite years of talks and hard-won treaties, the tenuous peace between England and Ireland is in jeopardy, as factions from each country have once again begun to clash with one another in the Dublin area. Ireland’s red squirrels (henceforth “Irish Reds”) are facing eviction from their own lands by English grey squirrels (henceforth “UK Greys”).

The latter were brought to Ireland in the early 1900s in an attempt to subvert the native species. When England withdrew from what later became known as the Irish Free State and partitioned the country in 1921, the UK Greys stayed behind.

“These so-called treaties are not binding on us (squirrels),” said UK Grey spokesrodent Ian Pine-Nut. “I’m in favour of peace but we did not authorise any treaty. We must be invited to the tree in good faith and be allowed to participate in the negotiations process before any lasting peace is possible.”

Relative calm has been maintained among Ireland's squirrel population in recent decades, up until an incident last month in which one Irish Red lost his sight and another his tail. An explosive device disguised as a pile of acorns was placed at the foot of a tree, and when the tree’s Irish Red denizens went to collect them the device detonated. UK Greys were immediately suspected, but have denied any involvement.

“(Those Irish Reds) were clearly injured while creating their own bomb to use on us, and it serves them right,” responded a UK Grey who wished to be identified only as "Nigel." “It shows their overtures toward peace to be false and self-serving.”

Above: UK Grey "Nigel."

Said Irish Red Seamus McNutty in response: “We don’t want a fight, but if (the UK Greys) bring one we’ll meet it, and in earnest. We’ve been fighting this battle for hundreds of years, and we know well how to deal with their kind, thanks be to God."

"We cannot be criticised for acting in our own defence in the face of naked aggression," added McNutty .

Former US President Bill Clinton, who arranged the Good Friday Accord in 1998, may be brought in to foster a peace agreement between the squirrels, but no firm plans have thus far been made.

Above: An unidentified Irish Red lookout spots a UK Grey brigade.

Next post Friday: Four more to go!

Monday, November 19, 2007

Scalp The Scalpers!!!

Fans of young actress/singer Miley Cyrus, aka “Hannah Montana,” are clamoring for tickets for her first ever concert tour. Many of them are finding none available, though, except at many times their face value through scalpers and “ticket brokers” (the difference is semantic as far as I’m concerned), as the shows are selling out in minutes. One press source mentions front row tickets going for as high as $2700.00 apiece.

Folks, this is madness. To me, it represents a clash of “what the market will bear” versus “what’s right.” It's where "capitalism" translates directly to "sheer opportunism." This is not the Rolling Stones, it's a teenybopper show.

There have always been ticket scalpers looking to make a buck, but there was a time when face value was at least reasonable. I remember buying concert tickets about 15 years ago, when you could get any seat in the house for somewhere between $17.50 and $22.50 before service charge.

Now there are typically three ticket levels, with all but the most expensive (hundreds of dollars per) well away from the stage. At the same time these ticket brokers have emerged that sell tickets alongside Ticketmaster, but at even higher prices.

Nowadays the service charge and convenience charges ($10 per ticket for buying online) together equal what you paid for a ticket 15 years ago. Then there are the “facility charges.” What is this, advance payment for using the restrooms?

And you might think that spending an exhorbitant amount entitles you to the best seat in the house, but you soon find that all the prime seats have already been given away to radio stations for their undeserving listeners to win before you ever had a shot a them.

The public’s memory may be short, but I recall seeing far more elaborately staged shows in the 80s and 90s (Pink Floyd, Paul McCartney, Genesis) for far less money than I'm paying for a stripped down version today. WTF, people?

Scalpers aren't just the shady guys in the street, they're now also the guys in suits running these ticket agencies, the promoters and tour managers, too.

As for "Nina Nevada" or whatever her name is, let the kids see their damn show. Yes, it’s the parents who pay the money, but it’s the kids who miss out. That’s who you’re disappointing, you greedy, opportunistic bastards. You ought to be scalped… in the old-fashioned way.

Next post Wednesday: Five more to go!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Childish Behavio(u)r Abounds

In explaining his recent veto of a healthcare and education funding bill, President Bush said, "The (Democratic) majority was elected on a pledge of fiscal responsibility, but so far it's acting like a teenager with a new credit card.” This from one of the biggest spending Republicants ever to hold office? And who wouldn’t be proud of a teenager who used a credit card to pay for healthcare and education instead of, say, clothes, junk food and iPods? I’d call that responsible.

A trio of very irresponsible teens in my area drilled into an ammonia pipe earlier this week, causing injury to themselves and the evacuation of many area residents. Though the perps said they were looking for money(?) in the pipe, some have speculated they wanted to use the ammonia to make crystal meth. Who knew that could be synthesized from so many common liquids, like ammonia and cough medicine? I feel so naive. Are we raising a generation of chemists?

Let those puppies breath and let those babies feed, ladies. I want my peanuts back, on planes and anywhere else I choose to eat ‘em. Feel free to breastfeed as much as you like, as it can help prevent nut allergies in your children. A pair of great issues that go great together.

A hammerhead shark in Nebraska(!) has reproduced asexually. Yes folks, a genuine virgin birth. Can the formation of a massive shark-based religion be far behind this event? I envision billions of people walking around with shark fin-shaped pendants dangling from necklaces.

And speaking of virgin births: Risking its tax-exempt status (yeah, right!), the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is urging followers to vote (which equals politics) based on their faith. The big no-nos, according to their statement, are stem cell research, gay marriage, euthanasia, abortion and human cloning. No stance on bloody wars, but let’s make sure those Nancy boys don’t do anything to make themselves happier in life!

After examining my priorities and overall direction in life, I have decided that BogsBlog will go dark indefinitely at the end of this month. It's been fun, rewarding, frustrating, and a whole lot of other mostly positive things. I've enjoyed working on my writing chops (especially the satirical ones) here regularly for well over two years now; my first post was August 2005. But there are still things that I have yet to achieve that are tugging at me, and while I find being your host rewarding, it also takes away time from things that I probably should be doing. Perhaps I will find time again for this down the road. I do hope you will continue to come by and contribute to the conversation here through the end of November at least. It should be fun. Tell your friends.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Move Over, Imelda Marcos!

What is it about the filthy rich and shoes? Do they all have foot fetishes? Or do they just have dirtier feet than the rest of us? Their hands are certainly dirtier.

Richard Roberts, son of televangelist Oral Roberts, and wife Lindsay have nearly 400 pair of shoes between them. This information came to light when Richard, president of the $50-million-in-debt Oral Roberts University, was recently sued over his extravagant spending. I gotta get me one of them high-paying religion jobs!

I have five pair of shoes: casual brown, casual black, dress black (my only leather pair, worn when someone dies or gets married), clean white sneakers and a dirty old pair of sneakers for exercise and other physical labors. (Flip-flops don't count, unless we're talking politics.)

God knows, in a manner of speaking, what the Roberts are doing with all those shoes. Perhaps they are stocking up to shoe the needy, shoeless masses – sort of following in the footsteps of their beneficent savior? Somehow I doubt that.

As for what should be done about the Roberts' spendthrift ways, I think the university ought to take a page from the Filipinos and run their greedy asses out of the country. I'm sure the Roberts have at least a few pair of running shoes between them.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

If I Were A Gay Man, Ya Ha Deedle Deedle, Didle Didle Deedle Deedle Dum

The House of Representatives has passed a sure-to-be vetoed bill outlawing workplace discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation. The Employee Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) is intended to prohibit discrimination against homosexuals in the hiring, promotion and termination processes.

Unless you can read minds, I don’t know how you’d stop someone from discriminating during hiring. Can you really say why they didn’t hire you, unless an employer tells you flat out that he doesn’t like “you people?”

I’ve never gotten a proper promotion, so I can’t say what that process is like.

I have, however, been fired. And when I was, I found out I had to just (in a manner of speaking) suck it up, as state laws permit private companies to fire anyone at any time for any (or no) reason without penalty. So while I laud the House effort, I’d also like to know what law protects my straight-white-male ass from being unjustly fired?

Lest you think I’m leaning consternative with this notion, it was actually that dismissal, in part, which led me to become a card-carrying Democrat. I do believe in equal rights, but for me, too.

ENDA was naturally opposed by many Republicants, whose objections were along the lines of rights of businesses blah blah blah religious exemptions blah blah blah immoral lifestyle choices blah blah blah. No surprises there. And the Homophobe In Chief will certainly pleasure those lawmakers with his veto pen.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Moon Day Madness

Give Peace Protesters A Chance
Dozens of Illinois high school students are now facing expulsion for staging a pro-peace sit-in at their school. Military recruiters and ROTC instructors still roam the halls freely, however.

Next Stop, Pakistan?
Now that Gen. Pervez Musharraf has put his country under martial law, arrested dissidents, dismantled parts of the government and cut off communications with the outside world, will President Bush send Coalition-Of-The-Increasingly-Unwilling forces to free that country from its tyrannical dictator? Shades of Burma/Myanmar anyone? Musharraf only needs to kill some peaceful clerics to complete the comparison.

If You Must Read In The Can...
Don’t read the Koran, or the penalty will be… well, there seems to only be one penalty when it comes to Islamists: death. A man has been executed in Saudi Arabia for desecrating the Koran by placing it in a restroom, and for adultery. Bush could send troops there, too, but I understand he and the Cheneys like to do Cape Cod with the Saudi royals in the summer.

Hell No, They Won't Go
The State Department is reinstating the draft, with a plan to send unwilling diplomats to serve in Iraq. How does the fact that some diplomats are referring to this as a “potential death sentence” square with this administration’s assertions that things are improving in Iraq? And what does it say about their confidence in our mission there? Let the “unpatriotic” brickbats start flying. Meanwhile, I suggest reluctant diplomats head to Canada.

Whither The Fashion Police?
Just because he won’t allow women with short skirts on his planes doesn’t mean the CEO of Southwest Airlines won’t dress up in drag, complete with humungous, phony breasts, for Halloween. Honestly, should anyone take fashion direction from this man?

Turbulence Interruptus
Singapore Airlines is offering suites complete with double beds to passengers on its Singapore-Sydney route. The airline is among the first to take advantage of the spacious new Airbus A380 aircraft, but its passengers are being admonished not to take advantage of the accommodations to become members of the Mile High Club. When you consider how much a first-class seat costs, these suites must cost a small fortune. For that amount, I not only want to have sex on the flight, I want the airline to provide me with a flight attendant of my choice for said activity. No coffee for me; I'll take the TWA tea.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Whistle Ain’t The Only Thing That Blows

A teenage girl at a Florida high school was recently suspended for reporting to her principal a rumor that a female teacher was having sex with a special education student. The accusation turned out to be true; the teacher was arrested and has since posted bail. Oops!

To me this story illustrates the need to protect whistleblowers, whether they are a high school student, a member of the press, military or government employee. Sadly, related legislation is currently being stalled by a Republicant member of Congress.

So much for protecting the victim and punishing the guilty, eh?

This incident also brings up a pet issue of mine, and that is the light treatment female sexual predators get in comparison to their male counterparts. I recently watched an episode of South Park that summed up our society's reaction to this phenomenon as I see it: When told of an inappropriate relationship between a female teacher and a young male student, the police not only don’t pursue the case but express envy. When the teacher ultimately has to publicly admit what she’d done, she blames it on alcoholism, and the public quickly forgives her.

As for the principal who didn’t listen, my suggested penalty is suspension without pay. What could be more appropriate?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Homeless Got Your Goat?

San Francisco has recently had success clearing troublesome homeless people from area parks, thanks to the goat. Goats have been brought to these parks to eat the tall grass, which the former homeless, er, residents would typically use for cover. With no place to park their shopping carts, the homeless have moved on to new accommodations.

The goat strategy has been so successful that now Frisco's city fathers are thinking of taking it to the next level: breeding carnivorous goats with a taste for human flesh, a la Mason Verger, and unleashing them on homeless encampments. Mmm. Gamey, but quite flavorful due to all the self-marinating they did during life.

PS: Ever eaten at a Quizno's? They put their sandwich meats in these plastic baskets and dip them in warm water before putting the meat on the bread. My question is, what happens to all that "meat water" at the end of the day? Do they just pour it out, when it'd make a fine, thin broth for the hungry masses? What a shameful waste! I think I just invented "hobo's broth."

PSS: All longtime BogsBlog readers know of my compassionate attitude toward the homeless, so just calm down. They still make a great topic for satire now and again.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Must We Be Careful What We Wish For?

Imagine a time in the future when a major disease like cancer is cured. I know it's a long way off, if at all, partially because some of these things are genetic and DNA is not easily reprogrammed.

Cancer is one of the major killers of mankind. Without it, and with more people living longer, population control will become a much greater issue than it is now. So how will we deal with that? More widespread (even government mandated) use of birth control? Child limits, a la China's one child policy? More wars? Rebirth during the fiery ritual of Carousel? Colonizing other planets? Involuntary euthanasia? Something we haven't thought of yet? Tell me your ideas.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Pick Me, For I Am A Scab

If a planned Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike goes ahead at the end of this month, timely shows like The Tonight Show and The Daily Show will immediately be impacted, as their material isn't written and produced months in advance as, say, a sitcom's material is.

I say avoid the pain: Jon Stewart, let me write for you. You know you want to. My friends and fellow bloggers can vouch for me; I got the mad satirical skillz, yo. Who can afford ethics when it comes to one's writing? Let some money-grubbing union bastard's (um, I mean, legitimately aggrieved fellow scribe's) loss be my gain. Call me, ok?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Fox's Foxes Cause Consternation For Consternatives

Something isn't right with right wing news outlet Fox News, according to one consternative Christian group. It seems the female anchors wear "shorter skirts... than... the prostitutes being arrested on cop shows."

Really, I must invest in cable TV one of these days! Maybe the view could make that network somewhat palatable to me, amid the shrill commentary and Bush cheerleading.

What is it with the short skirts, though? The men on Fox News always wear suits and ties - arguably consternative dress. Consterno author and banshee Ann Coulter is rarely seen not wearing one. Such licentious attire on such ostensibly consternative women? I am baffled.

Below, an unidentified piece of Fox News cheesecake (and frequent Southwest Airlines flier) takes a rest between on-air segments. Note that her manner of dress has little in common with your dear old grandma or a buttoned-up, bun-haired librarian.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Somewhere, A Pig Flies

The dog-eating, lead-paint-toy-manufacturing, baby-girl-abandoning, dissent-crushing, draconian-law-enforcing Chinese are to be commended. (I never thought I’d be saying this.)

It seems the Chinese government evacuated 1 million people ahead of a typhoon that had already struck Taiwan and other countries in the region. Yes, commie China came through for its people in the face of a huge storm when the US did not. We should be ashamed anew.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Alabama Lawmakers Are A Bunch Of Dildo(e)s

"Well I heard Lynyrd Skynyrd sing about her
I heard old Skynyrd sing her proud
Well I hope Lynyrd Skynyrd will remember
Alabama's apparently still run by a bunch of backwards-ass yahoos"

Guns and fireworks are easy to come by in Alabama, but it will soon be hard to, um, come by sex toys (aka “marital aids”) in that state, as selling them there is now illegal. Alabama's 1998 law forbidding the sale of such items, under which some people have already been incarcerated, stands.

After nearly a decade of battles in lower courts, the issue recently worked its way up to the highest court in the land. But the Supreme Court refused to touch the sex toy case, stating, "Eww... we don't know where that case has been."

Possession of said toys is not criminal, though the sale of them for anything other than a “boner fide medical use” is strictly verboten. Honestly, do you have control over what anyone does with something after they buy it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go masturbate into the Confederate flag I just bought.

PS: How do you spell the plural of "dildo?" Does it get an "e" added in? Where's that dildo Dan Quayle when you need him?

Monday, October 01, 2007

Why No Rush To Condemnation?

Last week Congress passed a resolution condemning’s “General Betrayus” ad from the New York Times. This action brings to mind many questions:

Is it appropriate for Congress to condemn a group of American citizens for peacefully exercising their right to free speech, which even during wartime must be protected?

Is it appropriate for Congress to waste time passing resolutions on issues tangential to the war when they should be passing them on the war itself (pay raises for the troops, shorter deployments, redeployment, etc.)? And on other important issues, for that matter?

Did Congress not hear Rush Limbaugh’s 9/26/07 radio broadcast in which he stated that US military personnel who have expressed opinions against the war in Iraq – many of whom based those on their experiences during actual tours of duty over there – were “phony soldiers?” If so, where's the resolution, folks?

Last year John Kerry (D-MA) said kids who don't do well in school might "end up in Iraq." The outrage, particularly from the right, was deafening; so much so that many people had to be reminded Kerry wasn't actually running for anything. No matter how easy they are to use for political gain, Kerry's words were essentially true. Sometimes patriotism drives kids to enlist (and it disgusts me to no end that we let "kids" do such a thing). But quite often, it's the inability to afford college or to find a job, or the need to get "straightened out" that's the motivating factor. My own father (who doesn't know of this blog's existence) ended up in the US Army because he couldn't quit goofing off and get serious about college.

Was Kerry wrong? In many cases, no.

Was wrong? Possibly – there are different ways to view Gen. Petraeus' report on Iraq, as facts can always be "interpreted" to one's own benefit.

Was Congress wrong to condemn I think the answer to that is obvious. And they are remiss in failing to condemn Limbaugh's comments, if that's the way we deal with those who criticize the military these days.

It seems the old adage that the first casualty of every war is indeed the truth. "Sense" must be a close second.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

An Afternoon With Ahmad Man

Lawmakers from NYC to DC are up in arms over Columbia University's decision to host Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a speech and Q&A session earlier this week. Some have even suggested pulling funding from the school as punishment.

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA), who was particularly vocal in his criticism of Columbia, apparently didn't watch the speech. University officials invited Ahmadinejad there and basically tore him a new one; it was no warm hero's welcome. It seems to me Republicants and consternatives in general would've enjoyed the opportunity to question him as speech attendees did.

It's safe to say Ahmadinejad didn't make any converts, he simply made an ass of himself. "We don't have homosexuals," he stated in response to questions about the oppression of gays in Iran. The audience loudly laughed this off. He also said Iranians are "friends with the Jewish people." This from a man who denies the Holocaust and says Israel should be wiped off the map.

My feeling is, it was ok to let the man make his speech. If we see him as an enemy, his own words can be used as a weapon against him. Again, he merely looked foolish, not powerful, behind that podium. And this was one of the few opportunities anyone had to question him without restrictions. We don't get those opportunities with our own president!

If funding is pulled from Columbia because they hosted a controversial comedian, only the students will suffer. Do we want to penalize college students, who are trying to get their lives started?

I wish the consternatives who are criticizing Columbia could've worked up as much anger when their patron saint sold weapons to Iran (remember 444 days in captivity), then pardoned his own henchmen.

Left: After a visit to New York City's Apple Store, Iranian President Ahmadinejad tries out his new "iLoon" MP3 player.

Monday, September 24, 2007

The Sad, Shocking Outcome Of Globalization

It was only a matter of time before this happened. Symbol of the Decadent West, Barbie is facing summary execution in China over lead poisoning concerns. Ken is said to be up next in front of the firing squad, on charges of "corrupting the morals of China's youth" with his "depraved lifestyle preferences." (Most of us have known for years that the Barbie and Ken relationship was only for show, and that Ken was more interested in G.I. Joe. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Barbie was a real doll for fronting for Ken for so many years, IMHO.)

I, for one, will miss Babs. She was the only female I knew who never, ever made a fuss when you took her pants down.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Aspiring George Bushes Don't Care About Black People

All the big-name Republicant presidential candidates – Romney, Giuliani, McCain and TV's own Fred Thompson – have decided to skip a televised debate planned for September 27 before a primarily black studio audience.

The same candidates, save McCain, passed on a recent televised Spanish-language debate held by Univision in Miami.

And they were MIA at a same-sex issues presidential forum they were invited to recently in Los Angeles.

Hillary, Obama and Kucinich all accepted invitations to these or similar events.

The Republicants’ singular reason for skipping these events is “scheduling conflicts,” which comes right next to “I’m resigning so I can spend more time with my family” in the pantheon of politician bullshit. Even if these guys have scheduling conflicts, you'd think they'd be willing to rearrange some of their priorities. If you care enough about something (or someone) you’ll make time for them, no?

I’m willing to bet that a few of the Republicant candidates may have actually wanted to attend some of the debates but were afraid of 1) what their constituents might think and 2) how attendance at such events might be used against them by their intra-party rivals: “So and so is soft on immigration reform…” or “So and so attended a gay event and thus is not a pro-family values candidate…”

Some of us believe xenophobia is an inherent trait of the Republicant Party. Their 2008 candidates are so far certainly not doing anything to reverse that perception.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Alien Overlords Have Spoken!

Intelligent beings from another world are at it with the crop circles again. And this time the message is, apparently: "More Gerald Ford, please!"

Ford? Really, how intelligent could these overlords be? Well, they must at least be a little clumsy. I mean, a message in the form of a corn maize, er, maze? How corny!

Above: There'll be no preemptive pardon for the aliens who vandalized this land.

Elsewhere, otherworldly aliens have attacked Peru with a biological weapon in the guise of a meteorite (I was not fooled). The missile left a steaming crater 100 feet across; the steam carried an odor that sickened many local villagers, including officials who were dispatched to investigate the scene. (Some also may have seen the face of the Virgin Mary in the crater, but this is not confirmed.)

In response to this unwarranted attack on the West, President Bush has announced a counterattack plan to eliminate the aliens' WMD capabilities. You didn't think that Mars mission he announced a couple years ago was just for fun, did you? It's an invasion, man. I'm talking Martian regime change.

I personally think Bush should take a non-military, as in political, approach to this, with anti-alien legislation. It wouldn't be his first crack at it.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Snow Place For Him In This Administration Any Longer

Presidential spokesperson Tony Snow's last day on that job is today. He's leaving “because he needs to make more money.” Well I say, Are there no workhouses? No prisons?

Perhaps Snow should become a contractor for the US government? Those folks get thrown all kinds of money (all ours) indiscriminately, and without question. Surely there's at least a lucrative lobbying position out there for a man with Snow's pedigree and connections? Damn this economy!!!

PS: I wish I made $168,000 per year! Ungrateful bastard.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Unhappy Anniversary

Why do we insist on commemorating tragic events year after year? It's not as if any of us will or can ever forget 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina or Princess Diana. I don't think we gain anything by holding yearly remembrance ceremonies.

I say we commemorate only birthdays, weddings, and other such occasions. The bad things, and those who suffered as a result, will not be forgotten. Should we carry sorrow over indefinitely?

Well, at least some people are trying to turn 9/11 into a positive thing: a day to do good deeds. More power to 'em!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

South By Southwest

Remember the good old days when Mom (Mum for our English and Australian friends) and Dad got gussied up just to go on a plane trip? Dad in his suit and hat and mom in her gloves and pearls? Hey, if you’re possibly going to meet your maker you want to make a good impression, right? Mom and Dad looked great, personal comfort be damned.

Mom and Dad would be most ashamed of Kyla Ebbert, who was removed from a Southwest Airlines flight (not while
in the air – calm down) for “revealing” clothing (a miniskirt). Ebbert was eventually let back on the plane, and remained covered with a blanket throughout the flight. It seems there were “concerns” about her appearance among some other passengers.

Southwest explained in a letter about the incident that they try to accommodate passengers “with heightened sensitivities.” Presumably not to prescription drugs, but to the human body.

Above: Some Southwest flight attendants after hours.
The woman in the middle is exhibiting what in Bogspeak
(the Bogsian lexicon, which also includes such words as "consterno")
is referred to as the "killer panty shot," or KPS. This was likely
one of Miss Ebbert's offenses.

I am reminded of my own post about what’s “offensive,” wherein I asked why the rights of the offended always seem to trump the rights of the “offender.” I’ve never heard a good answer to this question.

I always got a kick out of watching dinner scenes in
Leave It To Beaver (ohhh… kinda suggestive name, wasn’t it?). You know, where everyone dresses like they’re going to a wedding just to eat a casual meal at home?

I particularly love images of Victorian Era picnics, with everyone dressed to the nines to sit out in the bright, hot sunlight. "Such bloody Victorian prudery!" I can't believe an entire generation didn't die of heatstroke.

Too many Americans are overdressed, self-righteous control freaks. As for me, the next time I get on a plane I’m wearing a frickin' kilt. Just call me "Mr. Stone."

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Just Plane Crazy

Over two years ago, shortly after I started this blog, and before anyone read it, I wrote that the way to avoid problems with commercial airliners is to put every plane on the Air Force One maintenance program. That plane's so well taken care of, why shouldn't we all benefit from whatever they're doing right?

Well, officials at the troubled Nepal Airlines have come up with an even better way to deal with maintenance issues: blood sacrifice. They recently slaughtered two goats in front of a malfunctioning plane, which has since reportedly been running smoothly. Wow! Who knew?

PS: Michael Vick should try for a job as a Nepal Airlines spokesman when he gets out of the joint.

PSS: Is it really a "sacrifice" when you're making another creature give up its life?

Friday, August 31, 2007

McCain On Public Assistance

Presidential candidate John McCain's campaign is bringing in so little money that he's now eligible for public assistance. The notion of a representative of the party that hates "entitlements" such as welfare needing financial assistance from the government to run his campaign is indeed delicious.

At least McCain knows where he can find his next meal.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Exclusive: Bush To Commute Michael Vick's Prison Sentence

I have acquired an advance copy of President Bush’s upcoming announcement regarding his commutation of fallen NFL star Michael Vick's prison sentence (note the date of issue and the still-TBD parts). Yup, you read right. How did this document come into my possession? I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. The point is, the statement’s already been written, meaning no matter what Vick’s sentenced to on December 10 (probably a combination of prison time, a fine and probation), he will still have the prison sentence commuted regardless. There’s something strangely familiar about all this.

December 10, 2007

The U.S. District Court in Richmond, Virginia today sentenced Michael Vick to (TBD). As a result, Mr. Vick will be required to turn himself over to the Bureau of Prisons to begin serving his prison sentence.

This case has generated significant commentary and debate. Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case.

I respect the federal prosecutors’ efforts. But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Vick is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Vick's sentence that required him to spend (TBD) months in prison.

My decision to commute his prison sentence leaves in place a harsh punishment for Mr. Vick. I mean, he’s already lost the Nike deal for God’s sake. In other words, no money. And he will remain on probation. The significant fines imposed by the judge will remain in effect. The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as an athlete, high-profile corporate spokesperson and private citizen will be long-lasting.

I made this decision not only because I believe Mr. Vick and his family have already suffered enough, but to spare the American people the pain of a tainted NFL playoff season. If that happens, the terrorists win. The lessons of September the 11th show us that not only is America vulnerable, but that America’s favorite pastime and institution is also vulnerable. I do not have to remind any American of the national anguish we suffered by having to endure a delayed Super Bowl in 2002.

The Constitution gives the president the power of clemency to be used when he deems it to be warranted. It is my judgment that a commutation of the penalty in Mr. Vick's case is an appropriate exercise of this power.

Do you think it’s any coincidence that Attorney General Alberto “Gonzo” Gonzales picked today – the same day Americans are glued to their televisions for Vick’s court appearance – to resign? He’s trying to bury this story harder than an Abu Ghraib guard staging a mock burial of a detainee.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Let's Get This Party Ended

On August 30, a Texas convict is set to be executed for murder, even though everyone acknowledges he did not kill anyone. Kenneth Foster was the driver for a group of friends who went about town robbing people at gunpoint one night in 1996 when one of those friends got into an altercation and shot a man dead.

Foster is no angel, indeed. But we don’t execute people for robbery in this country. Well, yet. Under a Texas statute referred to as the “law of parties,” though, anyone who was a party to a murder can be convicted and executed for it. That’s how Foster ended up on death row.

I remember as a kid getting in trouble when a member of my group of friends unexpectedly did something they weren’t supposed to do: tossing an object at a car, taking an item from someone’s driveway, etc.

How are we to know what our friends are thinking about doing, and why should we be held responsible for their actions? Are we the fucking Borg Collective or something?

Foster should’ve only been convicted on the robbery and weapons charges. Unfortunately for him, Texas seems to be competing with China for the title "Most Execution-Happy Place On The Map."

Monday, August 20, 2007

China: Operation Condor A Success

China's own "Operation Condor" has been judged a success by representatives of that country after the death of an endangered American condor. The bird recently died of lead poisoning at the Los Angeles Zoo. Crestfallen zoo officials have vowed to never again purchase condor toys from China.

China, for its part, seems intent on continuing its war on all things American through tainted consumer goods. The evil, evil bastards! When will we wake up to their devious agenda?

PS: Note the unsurprising nation of origin for this plane.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Further Fragmentation

Ice Cream Man Moonlights As The Candy Man
Mister Softee, say it ain't so! As a young lad in Brooklyn I always excitedly scrambled home for some cash when I heard the ice cream man’s incessant tune growing near. But nowadays I’d need to grab bail money if I wanted any of his frozen treats, since a New York ice cream truck operator has been busted for selling something other than soft serve ice cream – hard drugs. The old neighborhood’s changed a bit since I left. “I’ll have one Heavenly Hash, please!”

Thank You For Printing
According to one study, toner particles from computer printers are as
harmful to human lungs as cigarettes. If true, we must certainly put an end to printer advertising on TV, which impressionable children might be watching. I’m always shocked and saddened to see these addicts who get right off a plane and immediately hit the “print” button. But I don’t feel bad for those inconsiderate people who insist on printing documents at the next table while I’m trying to enjoy a nice meal. There ought to be a law, I tell you.

Power Trip
has sent a DVD containing works by major science fiction writers on a trip to Mars. I certainly hope they used the right region coding for the Red Planet’s DVD players. I wonder if the Martian players run on 50 Hz or 60 Hz current. And do they have those weird plugs, as in the UK and Europe? I hope someone thought to include a power adapter in the package.

As If!
A college study was conducted to determine and distinguish men's and women's reasons for having sex. As if anyone needs a reason to knock boots, an activity with which "reason" often has very little to do.

Unconventional Wisdom
Shouldn’t “redouble” be synonymous with “quadruple?”

Friday, August 03, 2007

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Online Forum

Last Wednesday through Sunday I was in Boston spending time with a group of friends. What a great town, and what a great bunch of people. I had a blast. I talked, laughed and sang (yes, sang) so much that my voice went out of whack and I was being referred to as "Peter Brady."

Bogs does Boston

While away I didn’t keep up with world events, nor did I add any new posts or comments to my blog. (I actually tried to check it one day from a hotel computer, but the site was found to have “forbidden” words [“blowjob”] and wouldn’t load.)

Being out of touch with the world for several days while spending time with such positive people has made me reluctant to crawl back into the muck through which I regularly seek to find or provide clarity.

I have been avoiding most media sources all week. Essentially, I’ve had my head in the sand, and find those tiny rocks aren’t irritating my ears in the least. I honestly feel changed for the better after my sabbatical, and I am not in a hurry to change back.

This is not to say I feel the people who visit my site are negative; you’re all awesome. It’s the topics, which I pick, that are draining to me. Not so much the mechanics of putting down words into a post (I enjoyed doing the required papers in college that so many fellow students grumbled about), but having to contend with some ugly things (war, ignorance, corruption, etc.) so regularly.

Yet, I started this blog because I had a lot to say, and wanted an unfiltered outlet for my views. That's what I got. What am I complaining about? I’m not really complaining, I’m just questioning myself.

And those questions are: What now? Post less frequently? Keep it light and breezy? Revert to my "older, funnier" posts? Give it a rest for awhile? I still haven’t decided. Maybe in a few days I’ll simply snap out of it (my aversion to all things negative). I continue to ponder my future direction on this site.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

I Am Tired Of These Mother****ing Nut Allergies On This Mother****ing Plane!

"If you would take a second, and take the little sticks out of your head, and clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person, with feelings. And all I have to do, is do what I wanna do, is eat my peanuts, and not listen to you. And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag of peanuts, is if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. If you can get it from my Kung Fu grip, then you can come and have it. Otherwise, step off, bitch."

When I flew to Boston last week a flight attendant announced that a person with a severe nut allergy was aboard, and that said person had requested that no one consume any nuts or nut products during the flight.

I’m not callous, but I wonder if it’s fair for 99.5% of people to be inconvenienced for the other 0.5% in any given situation. I mean, doesn’t it make sense that the concerned individual inconvenience themselves rather than anyone else? Yes, these freakish allergics are selfish!

So, what’s my plan for the allergic? Just deal with the nuts? Don’t fly on airplanes? Neither is feasible. But I think an allergy-resistant suit is in order. Kind of like the boy in the plastic bubble wearing the bubble around in public. He’d look a bit like a hazmat worker or an astronaut, but he’d be safe from that evil Mr. Peanut. Call me crazy, but while this would be inconvenient (for the wearer), it would be completely fair. Hey, if they want, the suits could come in designer styles and colors.

I don’t know where all these food allergies are coming from of late. When I was young the neighborhood mothers would give kids peanut butter sandwiches and milk without a second thought, and nobody ever dropped dead or blew up like Violet Beauregarde. There’s something going on here. And I bet the Chinese are behind it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Partial Total Recall

For Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, the fame and fortune he acquired from the game wasn’t enough. Vick is facing federal charges for allegedly running a dogfighting operation at his home. This "sport" involves training dogs to be vicious, then putting them in a ring with other dogs and letting them fight (usually) to the death. Spectators enjoy the thrill of seeing two animals rip each other apart, and if they’re lucky, win a nice sum of money, too. Much like cockfighting, this bloodsport involves illegal betting over the winner. “Sick Vick’s” lucrative contract with shoemaker Nike is now on hold, as the company has announced its cancellation of this summer’s planned release of the Air Zoom Vick V. At least for now.

And speaking of hurting dogs, the recent story on cardboard-filled meat buns from China is now said to have been a hoax, the story’s reporter allegedly having staged his shocking camera footage. Yet the Chinese have such faith in the integrity of their own products that many of them don’t believe the story was a hoax. They’re keeping their hands off the buns for now.

Ok, so the Chinese aren't the only ones putting out shitty products. Augusta, Georgia-based (my birthplace) Castleberry’s Food Co. has recalled cans of hot dog chili and other meats after several people were hospitalized with botulism. What is this, the Middle Ages? If you have any cans of that chili you are strongly advised to throw them away, lest you be botulized. While you’re at it, toss the hot dogs you intended to put them on; it's all nasty shit, folks.

Homemakers-in-training have been impacted by a recall of nearly one million Easy Bake ovens. It seems some kids were getting their fingers caught and/or burned in the things. Toy ovens. Hmm. Perhaps these kids can stand over the ovens puffing on those bubble gum cigarettes while they wait for their cakes to bake? Next up: A recall of the “Easy Shot” semiautomatic BB gun with long-range night-vision scope and silencer.

Well, be safe in your consuming habits, consumers. I’m off to Boston tomorrow to plan a new war of aggression with some Northern liberals, and this is my last post until next week sometime.

PS: Who says there's never any good news? Those six foreign medics who were accused of infecting Libyan children with HIV, spent eight years in a Libyan jail, were tortured and faced execution, have all been freed and sent home. Hurray!