Friday, September 29, 2006

Oral (Sex) Report 2: This Time It's Personal

When it comes to fellatio, the skill and tolerance levels of women are as varied as the tumescent dick is long. Where do women learn these skills? Why are some women so incredible at it? Why are others so damned cockshy? We may never know.

But it sure is fun to talk about!

Though people don’t always welcome categorization, my own “oral history” tells me most women fall into one of four categories when it comes to blowjobs.

One. Those women who take things to the finish line and beyond (for my licentious avian friends, that’s women who’ll let men cum in their mouths, and then swallow; notice also I have gone from business metaphors to sport metaphors, as is more appropriate for such a physical activity). Jimmy-hats off to these Supa-Suckaz who crave the flava (yo!) of a protein man-shake. Such troopers. You rock my world! Respect.

Two. Those women who take things to the finish line and then purge. BJ bulimics, of a sort. This is ok, but remember, it's the little extra effort you put into things that people appreciate and remember you for when you're old and gray-pubed.

Three. Those women who get near the finish line but drop out before crossing it. Props for running the race, but why'd you quit just when it was getting good? You wouldn't like me doing that to you, would you? And leaving me when I'm feeling so vulnerable – totally ungallant! Hold me.

Four. Those women who are so inhibited as to not be willing to even put their mouths anywhere close to that area on a man. These women, for instance:

Tina Daugherty of 25420 Rambling Oaks Lane, Plant City, FL 33563

Kathleen Mosely of 3002 Trinity Drive #114, Orlando, FL 32810

Melissa Sharp of 809 Dartmouth Place #239, Elgin, Illinois 60121

Feel free to contact these women regularly and harass them about their prudery; I certainly do!

Actually, these are fictitious women, but that could change at any time. (Consider yourselves on notice!)

I have precious little sympathy for women who won't do oral – and do it right (see categories One and Two above). Partly because I enjoy cunnilingus on so many levels, and believe in "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But also because most of their reasons for not doing it are so lame.

Now, I'm talking about otherwise well-adjusted women here. Anyone who's had a traumatic sexual history (e.g. some non-consenting experiences) may certainly consider themselves excluded from my admonitions.

Who I am talking about are women who apparently never left that “icky, yucky, gross” phase of their personalities behind with their girlhoods.

There are semenly a lot of jiz-o-phobic women out there. For many, the man-chowder is not allowed to touch any part of them except the inside of their uterus, and then only for a more “noble” purpose than pleasuring a lover. Never in their mouth, nor on their skin, not in their shoes or on their pillows or houseplants when they're not at home, either. What gives?

Look, if men (or women) said to their female lovers, "I'll go down on you, as long as none of your bodily fluids gets in or around my mouth, or anywhere on my body," oral sex for women as we know it would cease to exist.

So remember that, and be grateful for the pleasure you receive. More important, realize that you may be practicing a double standard by not returning the favor.

There is no way good way to avoid a woman’s love juices during oral – not that I care to – and for some women they can be voluminous. The real difference between men and women in this context is that our secretions have velocity. For women they just kind of seep out, whereas ours may do that initially, but, spring-loaded as they are, exit the tunnel at the speed of light. (A secondary reason we have eyelids, by the way.)

Ladies, when it comes to mouth-love and your man, please don’t hesitate to step up to the plate and kneel. You are the catcher in this hetero balling game, after all. Otherwise, get thee to a nunnery.

I’m not sexist for knowing what I want sexually from a woman; I’m “empowered.” Think I’ll write a book about it.

PS: Don't forget the balls; they're part of the package, too.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Grand Theft Psycho

A family that had several of its members killed by yet another member has sued the responsible party – a video game. Actually the suit is against a division of Sony that makes “Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.”

To clarify, a 14-year-old boy was the triggerman in a triple murder at a ranch in New Mexico. But the suit claims the game showed him how to become “an extraordinarily effective killer without teaching him any of the constraints or responsibilities needed to inhibit such a killing capacity."

I’m quite sure the game didn’t teach him those things. That’s his family's job. A video game should not be relied upon to teach values. If they don’t already have them, video games should have a label reading “FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.”

It’s long been claimed violent video games and movies desensitize impressionable young minds. If they desensitize anyone to anything, it’s make-believe violence, not the real stuff. No mere game should be able to undo an individual’s value system.

This boy didn’t have one, you say? Then, there’s your problem.

Or maybe he had one, but it wasn't strong. Well, whatever his moral structure growing up – religious or otherwise – I doubt it included the suggestion that actually gunning innocent people down is acceptable.

Granted, we’ve come a long way from Pong. Some games feature graphic violence, hookers, drug dealers and other questionable stuff. But playing one does not free anyone from the moral or legal constraints to which all human beings should be expected to adhere.

If a kid truly has been inspired to violent acts by a game – and I am only playing devil’s advocate in saying that – that kid is apparently lacking a grasp on reality and/or proper rearing.

Kids who have no grasp on reality or no moral system shouldn’t be let out of the house, but, instead, should be put into a "special" one.

And families of those kids should take some responsibility instead of trying to turn a senseless tragedy into a payday. There should be no rewards for bad childrearing.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Holy War? "Bring It On!"

According to consternative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson, a holy war between Islam and Christianity is imminent.

I hope he's right.

Let the radical, hypocritical, intolerant, homicidal fringes of Christianity and Islam fight each other while the rest of us watch from the sidelines. Get me some pretzels and Guinness – I’m looking forward to this.

When the fighting's done and all the participants have killed each other off (as they have wanted for so long to do) the rest of us can work toward building a world minus the insanity those two groups have kept alive for eons.

Call it what you want – a crusade, a jihad –
I call it a good start.

And speaking of starts, those on JC's team for the upcoming war can get going on their training without even joining the military. Instead, they can just pick up the latest
video game.

The inexplicably popular apocalyptic book series
Left Behind is coming to a PlayStation near you. I shit you negative. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fun.

Onward, Christian gamers! Armageddon awaits.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Oral (Sex) Report: Ladies First

Today I am bowing to peer pressure (and some personal pressure) and writing a sex-themed post - possibly the first of many. We shall see. I like to keep things interesting around here, with a few surprises now and then.

Ladies first. That’s right. I won’t have any of this “some women rarely have orgasms or have never had one” on my watch.

Men (or women), before you get an ounce of personal pleasure, put in the time – however long it takes, and however numb your mouth gets – to ensure that the physical transaction includes a climax for her, whether during foreplay and/or also later, when your payday comes.

It’s said many women don’t achieve orgasm from the act; they can’t blame men for that, no matter how inclined they may be to do so. We don’t have any more control over women’s physiology (and psychology) than they do.

But this “satisfaction guaranteed” policy will be most appreciated by your partner, and should forever dispel any notion that you care only about your own pleasure (should such a misconception exist).

There are risks, as I hinted at before. You may lose some sensation in your mouth, but this should return with time. You also need a strong skull, just in case it gets trapped in the ever-tightening vice grip of her legs.

I get the impression there are some men that really don’t know how to "eat at the 'Y'," and I must say I don’t get that. But just in case it’s true, here are some pointers...

Don’t just go at it willy-nilly. Munch like you’ve got a purpose; you do
making her happy. And keep your eyes and ears open for suggestions of "more," "slower," "faster," "not so hard," "a little higher," etc. (Note: They're not always verbal.)

Notice that there are several parts down there – some parts have several sub-parts – and most deserve some level of attention (it’s your job to discern what those levels are) during mouth whoopee.

Realize that oral sex doesn’t just involve your mouth but often your fingers and/or hands at the same time. Knead and penetrate. (Remember that what’s in front of you is not a toy, and don’t start putting body parts and foreign objects in places unless she’s cool with it.)

Remember that your tongue is an appendage that can be used to do many of the same things your other appendages do; unlike what the folks told you, it’s not always impolite to stick out your tongue. (It’s obviously not always impolite to chew with your mouth open, either.)

And unless she’s sitting up and you’re kneeling down, for God’s sake don’t attempt a dive head-on. Instead, if she’s lying flat, try this: Lean on one elbow, with her body running underneath that arm, so your body is essentially across her mid-section. Then lean forward and go to town.

You'll find you have more flexibility and fewer obstructions for your hands this way. You’ll also find that your neck – which can tilt much farther forward than it can backward – and your jaw won’t hurt so damn much afterwards. Putting a pillow under her can also facilitate your efforts.

If you’re doing this right, your head will be facing the foot of the bed, and may even be close to upside-down at some points (don’t worry, you shouldn’t get lightheaded in the amount of time it takes to get where you’re going).

The truest indication of whether you’re doing it right is when all but her shoulders and heels rise up in the air, and the neighbors call the police about all that “racket” you’re making.

After all this, when she's come back down to earth, continue on with the feature presentation knowing she's primed and probably already halfway to another climax.

Ladies, we’ll do all the mouth-work while you sit back an enjoy it. But you can help with good hygiene and grooming habits.
Cunniliciousness is important to getting what you want out of a man sexually. (And having our noses tickled can really distract us from our duties. So can having to keep dental floss next to the bed.)

And, very importantly, don’t ever fake a damned thing – you’re only robbing yourself. If you don't have an orgasm from having these things done to you, I don't know what to say. Nonorgasmic (NO) people do exist.

But keep trying. Men, step up to that challenge. By working together, we can put an end to NO in our lifetime!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

A Fate Worse Than Death

A female suicide bomber who failed to complete her mission has been sentenced to death by hanging in Jordan.

Her accomplices in the act – the bombing of a hotel in normally peaceful Jordan that killed 60 people – are either dead or were never caught.

This case was unusual in that suicide bombers are typically male, and typically “successful” in their missions. And it finally showed us what some women are really wearing underneath those burkas.

I think death may have been the wrong sentence for this woman. Instead, the court should have sentenced her to nakedness.

Some cultures have historically punished people by banishing them – sending them out into the world with nothing and forbidding anyone from giving them food, shelter or any kind of assistance.

I think they ought to drop this woman off in the middle of the country somewhere without a stitch of clothing and apply the same “no assistance” rules. Given her culture's emphasis on "modesty," that may be a fate worse than death.

Ah, fuck it – just hang the bitch.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Am Tired Of These Motherf*cking Lobsters On This Motherf*cking Plane!

Did you know that, among the many, many things you’re not allowed to bring on a plane these days, live lobsters are not on the list? I didn’t, until yesterday.

Turns out you can take live lobsters on a plane as long as you don’t exceed the maximum specs for carryon baggage.

This is madness. I mean, what if the lobsters get loose from their packing, fall from the overhead compartments on some unsuspecting flight attendant and start pinching her toes? It could be mayhem in the skies!

Or worse, what if terrorists breed weaponized “super lobsters” and then use them during flight? Do as I say, infidel, or my lobster will pinch your damn nose off!

One thing is for sure – knowing those little monsters could be writhing around on my flight, I’ll never fly again! And the same goes for those nasty lobsters!

Monday, September 18, 2006

I Blame Popeye

Well blow me down! Spinach is suddenly vegetable non grata in the US. What once was a symbol of strength in the diet has become the source for a strong case of E. coli.

Can it really all be over for me and spinach manicotti, spanakopita and Quiche Florentine? I mean, I really eats me some spinach! Ug-ug-ug.

If we stop eating spinach, don’t the terrorists win or something?

A couple of years ago some people died and hundreds were sickened after contracting hepatitis A from scallions at a Chi-Chi’s Mexican restaurant. All of the sudden, green onions disappeared from menus everywhere. Even the few little pieces they put on your rice at Taco Bell vanished.

Turns out the reason for that outbreak was that the Mexican farms on which the onions were being grown were using Mexican (don’t drink the) shit-water to water them. Mmm-mmm.

The tainted spinach in question actually comes from California, so maybe some illegal migrant workers have been crapping on spinach plants to seek revenge on los gringos Americanos for our increasingly stringent immigration policies.
¡Coméis mierda, gringos!

Once the E. coli
problem is addressed (i.e. the appropriate illegals have been executed), like scallions, spinach will slowly begin to creep its way back onto our plates. Not literally, of course. They haven't discovered that food-borne disease... yet.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Don't These People Have Anything Better To Do?

Last week Pope Benedict XVI quoted a Byzantine Emperor who stated that the teachings of the Prophet Mohammed (or however you spell that this week) were “evil and inhuman.”

First, the Pope was quoting someone else’s words, and has made clear that they are not his own feelings.

Second, the original comments were made in the 14th century AD. As some of you may realize, the Byzantine Empire hasn’t existed for some time!

Still, the quote was immediately taken out of context, and a shit-storm naturally ensued. Protests and condemnation from around the Muslim world have been fast and furious.

"Don't shoot! I was just kidding!!!"

In a possible act of retribution for the Pope’s words, Somali gunmen shot an unarmed Italian nun in the back, killing her at the hospital where she cared for women and children.

Let me repeat that: Somali gunmen shot an unarmed Italian nun in the back, killing her at the hospital where she cared for (their own) women and children.

That’s just fucked up, people.

Is anyone else getting the impression that a large part of the Muslim world has no humility, no self-restraint and no sense of humor? I’m sorry, but it’s getting hard not to draw those conclusions.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Catch Them With Their Pants Down

When I was in high school there was a "teacher evaluation week," when officials from the school board sat in on classes to evaluate the teachers’ performance. Teachers were notified in advance, so on the day my senior year English teacher was to be evaluated, she uncharacteristically wore a business suit and complimented students on answers we gave to her questions.

If people know their skills (or the conditions at their facility, for another example) are going to be evaluated by important people, they make an extra effort to ensure everything is fine and dandy. It’s human nature. But it’s also self-serving, as it gives the “examiner” a picture that’s anything but the status quo.

This post is not about my senior year English teacher, whom I liked. This is about Sen. Bill Frist’s (R-TN)
comments on his
recent visit to the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, aka Gitmo, in Cuba.

Frist said conditions at the facility were excellent, and that prisoners’ healthcare was “better than many Americans get.” Acknowledging problems with American healthcare, are we, Bill?
And Frist knows from healthcare; he’s a physician, one with the amazing ability to detect brain activity in comatose patients via video.

If what he said about Gitmo healthcare is true, and I have my doubts, why not send some of it this way? Do the people in charge there hate poor Americans more than they hate terrorists/terror suspects?

How stupid is First to think we’re so stupid as not to know that, whatever he saw in Gitmo, it was a sanitized, stage-managed, limited-access affair, as is always the case when important visitors pass through anywhere?

Whether it’s a daycare center, a restaurant, a school or a prison, no one charged with assessing its quality will ever receive an accurate reflection of the situation by doing a scheduled, limited visit. That’s just rational thinking.

Which probably explains Frist’s comments regarding Gitmo.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Truth About Cats And Dogs

"Saudi Arabia is a wonderful country... for me to POOP ON!!!" - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

From the people who brought you most of the 9/11 hijackers comes an exciting new chapter in law enforcement: No dogs (or cats) allowed.

The religious police of Saudi Arabia, aka the Muttawa (which must mean "mutt-haters"), are now banning the sale of dogs and cats in parts of the kingdom. Both animals have been deemed too “Western,” and therefore un-Islamic. (Psst! We have Muslims over here, too.)

There, dogs are also considered dirty animals. As are pigs. But I’d like to point something out to people who believe such things: All animals are actually pretty dirty. They’re animals! And some people aren’t so clean, come to think of it.

Interestingly, according to Islamic beliefs, the prophet Mohammed himself enjoyed cats, and was once quoted as saying, “Mmm, tastes just like chicken.”

I kid. Mohammed never said that. (No riots, please? Now come on, people!) No, that would have been more like something Buddha would say. Ba-dum-bum!

But this new law is no joke. It means man’s best friend is no friend to Saudis. That’s unfortunate, too, because they are wonderful animals. And cats, well, they’re cats. That doesn’t mean anyone should be prevented from taking one into their home.

Still, I think the Saudis’ loss is the animals’ gain. The latter may have dodged a bullet, figuratively and literally. I mean, if they chop off a person’s hands for stealing, what would they do to a pet for soiling a prayer rug???

Perhaps the most consequential impact of this law is that future generations of Saudis may never get the chance to affect a “baby-talk” voice and say things like, “You’re a good boy! Yes you ARE! Daddy wuvs you SO much! Mmm-mmm!”

That’s just not right.

Above: What the Saudis are really afraid of?

Monday, September 11, 2006

9/11 Rant

There is one word to describe the rambling diatribe below, and it is “hateful.” This is a collection of my thoughts from 9/11/01 and the days and weeks following; I've kept most of them inside for five years. No more. It isn’t pretty, but I don’t apologize for anything I've written. It's also a bit looser in structure than my typical post - alternating between second person and third, generally ignoring many rules of grammar, etc. You must indulge me.

you came and
lived among us for many, many months… you interacted with us, lived, studied and ate next to us… in all that time you never strayed from your programming… no humanity pushed its way through your skin… no smiling face of a child, nor someone holding a door open for you or any other kind act deterred you from your mission, nor made you realize those around you were as decent a people as any you’ve ever met… and they did not deserve to die for any misguided so-called "cause" of yours... some say you did this to draw attention to US policies in the Middle East… you got our attention, motherfuckers, and it’s not the kind you want… yesterday I didn’t even know you, now I want vengeance… you commandeered planes that people were flying home in to see loved ones... you crashed them into buildings where people made a living every day, and where tourists flocked for the incredible views... what principled souls it takes to purposely target innocent lives! though I imagine there is no translation for that word in your language… I do not go through life thinking about what’s going on in the occupied territories, nor do I feel in any way responsible for their troubled state… I live my life the best I can and hope everyone else will do the same, so we can have a better world... we never will as long as sick fucks like you exist... your quarrel is not with me, nor most of the people on those planes or in those buildings… this is about people, not policies... if you would clear your heads of sand for just a minute you’d see that your current way of existence is sheer, unsustainable madness… join us in the civilized world, won’t you? as people dropped from the sky, alive, your women ululated… as the towers burned and fell, your children laughed… are you all really that angry? are you all really that far gone? Mohammed Atta, what a fine human specimen you are… someone should post a picture of your wife’s bush on the Internet just for laughs… fuck your “modest” ways…I know where to kick you where it hurts... your people talk about dignity and modesty, as if those things make you a decent person… as if those excuse any sick acts you may decide to carry out on other human beings... you wouldn’t know decency if it fell on you from out of the sky, which would be truly fitting… decent people don’t kill unless they have no other choice… well, we know what you are... and what is to be done with the
hijackers' remains? I’m thinking they should rot in the sun and be picked over by rats and seagulls at some New Jersey landfill sorry, no fast burial for you VIPs, whatever your beliefs… you are carrion, you most wayward of sons... and what is to happen to the prisoners from our attack on the Taliban and Al-Qaeda and the rest of their brethren in Afghanistan? the Great Pyramids of Egypt were built by slaves, so I say to our special guests, get your asses to work on WTC Mark II, motherfuckers… this is your mess, now clean it up and rebuild it... save that big antenna from the top of the tower for when the reconstruction is complete… it’ll make a great skewer… stack those terrorists and their supporters on it face to face, and end to end… and don’t leave any space between, because there are a lot of them… lunatics and zealots roasted over an open jet fuel fire… let’s just call this dish shit-kebab... I am hungry for blood... but perhaps I am being rash about the WTC rebuilding... I don't know if I want any of them setting foot on that property... no reason to despoil hallowed ground with their presence... I've been there four times... not to Ground Zero... I'm not ready for that... the Twin Towers... looked down at NYC from the 107th floor... once I even got to go on the roof once... there's nothing like it... and it's gone... I have tried to imagine being on that roof or gazing out the window when a fucking airplane hits the building, incinerating me and my family and friends... or maybe not right away... maybe slowly dying from heat or smoke... or maybe taking a 100+ story ride to the ground as the floor under me gives way... I don't imagine myself being one of the jumpers, but none of those people probably did either before that fine, sunny morning... I wonder what the church’s stance is on the souls of those unfortunate people? I'd like a straight answer… they raised me to believe that suicide was a sin; that your life is not your own to take... unforgiven sinners go to hell... but ending a life even to end suffering is supposedly unacceptable... so, where are those jumpers now, in hell? not by my beliefs... if it does exist, it’s where they were before they jumped... and it's certainly where those hijackers are right now... sorry, no virgins for you... just reviled and rotting forever... you and all those like you deserve no better... may we never forget the victims, nor those who made them victims... may our love for the former be matched only in intensity by our hate for the latter...

Friday, September 08, 2006

Dubious Dining Declarations

I’ve seen it a million times on restaurant signs and menus: “Voted best (insert food here)” or “Voted #1, etc.” Really? Do tell!

Typically, a faded newspaper clipping tacked up behind the register, which includes a review of said dining establishment (and that probably has an ad for an upcoming Liberace concert on the side we can’t see) is the bold claim’s only corroboration. Well hey, I’m convinced!

What I’m convinced of is that, when it comes to dining establishments, there ought to be a statute of limitations on the right to claim such a status as “best” or “#1.”

So you won a spelling bee in the third grade; are you still putting it on your resume?

Who cares if you were voted #1 anything by a handful of your closest friends from the neighborhood back in 1981? You can’t rest on your laurels forever.

A close cousin to this type of place is the “world famous” dining establishment. I mean, if you are the Brown Derby, yeah, you may be world famous. But a hole-in-the-wall sandwich shop or oyster bar in Toledo is known worldwide?

So, if I were walking down the street in Istanbul and asked someone what they thought about Joe’s Subs or Guido’s Clam Bar, they’d know what I was talking about and give me an enthusiastic testimonial? Maybe I’ll give that a try sometime.

In the meantime, I think businesses that claim to be world famous should have to receive some official certification and a notarized document stating as much. Otherwise, how do we really know?

But, why should I care, even if it is world famous? Should that influence my dining choices? Hey, they’ve heard of this place in Johannesburg. Let’s eat here!

I swear, all this boastfulness is sometimes enough to put you off your food.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Textbook Reactionary

"Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers (professors) are present in the universities."

Who is it that sounded this rallying cry to run the liberals and secularists out of the university system?

It wasn't a misguided Florida lawmaker, but it could well have been.

It wasn't Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell or any other prominent Christian broadcaster, but it could well have been.

It wasn't Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh or any of those other wastes of space (in Coulter's case, not a whole lot of space, I acknowledge), but it could well have been.

The quote is attributed to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and an address he gave to students earlier this week.

You've gotta love this guy. And you've gotta ask yourself what in the world constitutes a "liberal" Iranian professor, one who prefers adulterous women be executed by firing squad rather than by being stoned to death?

Reading Ahmadinejad's quote, you can't help but notice how likeminded he is with many Western faith-oriented consternatives. Taken out of context, his words could be seen as coming verbatim from any of the people I mentioned above, or many others.

East or West, Christian or Muslim, the world's reactionaries seem to be all alike: Misguided nuts.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Drunken Bush To Mel Gibson: "All Jews Are Going To Hell"

Ok, that's kind of mixing up the facts, but according to a new book, George W. Bush once stated while governor of Texas that all Jews are "going to hell." I don't know if (Bush saying) that is true, but let's consider it for a moment.

Bush would probably describe himself as a devout Christian. Many people (certainly not all) who claim to be such also believe that anyone who does not accept Christ as their personal savior is not "saved," or spared from eternal torment. In other words, upon death he/she will be sent to the dark, fiery place forever. (How can it be both at the same time, when fire creates light? Hmm...)

Since Jews don't believe in J.C., by some people's reckoning they are in fact all going to hell. Being a world leader who's not a follower of Islam, Bush is now no longer allowed to make statements such as those he's being accused of in that new book, even if it's what he truly believes. Politics, you know.

So, what was that big mouth kiss he planted on Joe Lieberman all about? Is the president accepting of Jews, or is he just a really big tease? (Or, does he just naturally gravitate toward losers?)

Whatever the case, it'd be interesting to get Georgie Boy tanked up and talking and see what, besides vomit and mispronounced words, spewed forth. Trouble is, "W" has reportedly been teetotal for several decades now. We've got to knock him off the wagon and see what happens.

Hey, Mad Mel, how about lending us a hand? Next visit to the White House, spike his punch or something, would ya? Just empty out the contents of that flask in your coat pocket. The Jew cops on security detail will never even notice you brought it in.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Bad Apples Go After Low-Hanging Fruit

You've gotta hand it to those terrorist types - they really go for variety in picking their targets. Whether it's skyscrapers, planes, trains, tourist attractions or markets full of innocent people, they cover them all and then some.

Terrorists don't always just kill outright, of course. Some of them take hostages and hold them for ransom, while others they hold for an indeterminate amount of time before doing horrific things. For his own sake, I hope the Iranian football (soccer) star who was just kidnapped ends up in the former camp.

Forget judges and politicians - let's take that athlete guy we're always hearing so much about. He is a key "player" in ending our struggle against the infidels from without and within the Middle East.

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Meanwhile, a British tourist visiting Jordan was shot dead by a gunman for being... well, as far as anyone call tell, for being a British tourist. Half a dozen other people, mostly foreign tourists, were also injured in the attack before the gunman was subdued.

A couple of points here for Islamist terrorists to consider:

No one with a brain in their head will ever consider any of your causes "legitimate" as long as you kill indiscriminantly. In other words, you can't continue to think, tourists, athletes, aid workers, bus drivers, myself - it's all good. It ain't!

You're not helping your cause, nor the struggle of Muslims around the world, by continuing to yell "Allahu akbar!" ("God is great!") in the furtherance your horrific acts. It ties the act directly to your faith and shines a bad light on you and others with the same beliefs. See? Not good.

The most important point I want to make is, there is a better way.

Look at Northern Ireland. Terrorism has waned there in recent years, people are talking and the IRA has ostensibly disarmed "forever." Yeah, they probably have a cache of weapons hidden somewhere, but I hope not. The point is, that's an area where longstanding differences of faith, national identity and sovereignty (wow, I could be talking about the Middle East here) all played a part in "The Troubles," but things aren't quite so troublesome there anymore.

So, follow that example. Sit down in a pub somewhere and talk it out over pints. Oh yeah, I forgot, alcohol use is sinful and therefore strictly forbidden. (Too bad the same can't be said for killing.) Anyhow, go do whatever it is you do, do it together, and listen to each other. This insanity has gone on far too long. Unless you really want it to continue?

Everyone else, it takes two to tango. You've got to come to the table, too. Just leave your egos, weapons (and booze, etc.) at the door or the dance will never be a warm, friendly, slow one.

I am not
naïve, just hopeful.

Monday, September 04, 2006

A Pair Of Jokers

"I am not a crook!"

"I am not a kook!"

Wrong on both counts, gentlemen.

Friday, September 01, 2006


I’m not really a gadget guy. I got a cell phone only when someone gave one to me as a Christmas present. I rarely keep it on – or on me. I don’t have a PDA, and I still think “Bluetooth” is a slang term for a Brit with bad dental hygiene.

But I love music, so I had to have an iPod.

I’ve got hundreds of CDs, and while I have a portable CD player, as well as one in my car, not to mention one in my PC, my DVD player, my laserdisc player and my clock radio, it’s not convenient taking a stack of discs around.

The iPod takes portability to an absurd new level; I’ve got upwards of 5200 songs on mine, and it can hold many more.

It’s also a truly evil device created by an evil corporation bent on taking over the world (see Starbucks, Disney, Halliburton, etc.). I say this for several reasons.

First, they were able to get someone like me, who has generally resisted gadgets and other trendy crap, to buy their product.

Second, they got me to buy more of their products. The whole modular, "personalize-able" aspect of the iPod is an insidious yet ingenious corporate marketing plan to empty all our pockets.

After purchasing my iPod, I found I needed to buy a Universal Dock to charge it. This was a $40.00 paperweight to stick my iPod on overnight. The dock came with half a dozen adapters for half a dozen iPod models, just in case I happen to buy several more of these expensive gadgets.

I also have a USB Power Adapter for iPod (I should explain that I previously owned the smaller and more affordable iPod Shuffle, which has now been given to a loving home). Though my new iPod has a USB output, and the adapter has a USB input, no mere USB cable will marry them. No. You need the dock as the middle man to span the distance.

The accompanying dock-u-mentation tells you other things you can do with it besides charging the iPod. Curiously, they all involve the purchase of yet another product – a remote control, a car adapter, etc.

I can’t see the value in buying a remote for something that is already about the size of a remote control itself. But you can bet before long I’ll be looking into that car adapter.

Help a poor consumer in his moment of weakness, Jeebus. Deliver me from evil.