Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1992. Crystal-clear colas and Nirvana CDs all around!
But first, I have some political demands:
That Karl Rove be turned over forthwith to the nearest Democratic Party or liberal organization office for trial. The charge? Being a major prick who’s done more than any other hominid in turning American political discourse into static and smear. For starters.
That Rick Santorum (formerly R-PA) be forced to march in the next scheduled gay pride parade, dressed as a stem cell.
That those who support a gay marriage ban be forced to give specifics about why marriage needs to be “protected,” and how an amendment will do that, or shut up forever.
That Bush-supporting, soon-to-be-divorced Britney Spears be like totally sent to fight in Iraq and stuff.
That House Majority Dems sign into law the official amending of the words “Republican” and “conservative” to “Republicant” and “consternative” (or “consterno,” in Bogswork Orange lingo), respectively. The time for House Bill 069-069, aka “The Bogs Bill,” has come.
If none of those happen, I will settle for these:
That Pat Roberts’ (R-KS) long-delayed report on pre-Iraq War intelligence be completed and released by year’s end. Grab a Starbuck’s there Paddy, and order in some Chinese, because you won't be just coasting along anymore. Get to it, beyotch.
That House Majority Dems clean house by enacting tough anti-corruption rules with real consequences that will be enforced in a nonpartisan manner. And do it ASAP.
That, in tandem with the previous demand, House Majority Dems enact the lobbying rules I have previously set forth. (Honestly, they should hire me as a policy advisor. A real ideas man, I have the pate of a James Carville, without the eccentricity. And without the neo-cunt partner.)
That recent efforts to compel the president to appoint only demonstrably qualified candidates for various offices be revived.
That recent efforts to raise the federal minimum wage be revived, but with the “permanent tax cuts for the rich” provision stripped out. I mean, come on.
I’d say our elected officials have their work cut out for them. Let’s start checking some action items off this list, shall we?
PS: A former classmate of mine, a Democrat and Iraq War hero, was elected to the Florida House on Tuesday. Nice job!