OJ’s “theoretical confession” book and TV special, If I Did It, have been wisely cancelled by Fox. Chalk one up for good judgment, but whomever greenlighted the project should still be sacked.
In the book/show, OJ was reportedly going to explain not how he murdered ex-wife Nicole Brown and companion Ronald Goldman, but how he would have done so, had he done so.
Ok, quit laughing. No, really, let’s cut OJ some slack. I mean, a jury acquitted him, so he really couldn’t be guilty, right? Are you questioning the American justice system?
Though the project has been cancelled, some excerpts have leaked out, including some which I have procured and reprinted here. No questions, please.
OJ’s own words:
I knew Nicole would be coming home late that night, so I would’ve waited outside her place in the dark with a machete I had a homeless dude buy from a pawnshop. Black clothes would help hide me. I would be nervous, not about what I was going to do, but about my time limitations; I had to be at the airport in a few hours for a flight to Chicago .
Before long, Nicole would have appeared. I would probably be expecting her to be alone. When I saw her I would just start shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing. "You think I need you, bitch? I got blonde white girls lining up outside my gate!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.
"I am The motherfucking Juice. I am the star of Naked fucking Gun, bitch! You do not want to fuck with me! They’re gonna use you for a hand puppet after I’m through with you!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.
"Oh, who’s this? Your Jew boyfriend? You want some of this too, Schlomo? You picked the wrong shiksa, bro! There you go. Consider your punk-ass self circumcised all over!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.
"Yeah, just keep barking, dog. Your mama ain’t coming home tonight, or ever!" I would be really lucky if no one heard me.
After I was finished, I would sneak back over to my car, which would be parked a few blocks away. I would toss the machete into the Los Angeles River on the way home; it would be out of the way, but a good place to get rid of the thing.
When I got home, I would try to clean out the car completely and quietly, so I wouldn’t disturb Kato (Kaelin, OJ’s housemate). Afterwards, I would have a quick shower and get ready just in time for the airport limo’s arrival.
That’s how I would have done it. If I had done it. But I didn’t. Really.
Folks, whether or not the glove fit, OJ is still full of shit.
Speaking of racism, I had not planned to weigh in on the Michael Richards controversy, but since it’s not going away, I will contribute a few thoughts.
I think Richards’ words were shocking, and I do not agree with his sentiments. But I am not sure the incident was a “Mel Gibson moment,” either. Comedians have been called geniuses for (arguably) going too far and shocking their audiences. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor and George Carlin, for just a few examples.
Not to say Richards' words approached "genius" in any way. Not even close.
It may indeed be a double standard, but what comedians say onstage cannot necessarily be given the same weight as identical comments from another person in another context. It’s not to be taken at face value. It’s for shock value. It’s off the cuff (Richards seemed to react in anger, so his remarks probably fit into this category). It’s boundary-breaking. It’s satirical.
For the latter, kind of like when bloggers say they want the terrorists to win.