Friday, November 24, 2006

Excerpts From OJ's Book

OJ’s “theoretical confession” book and TV special, If I Did It, have been wisely cancelled by Fox. Chalk one up for good judgment, but whomever greenlighted the project should still be sacked.

In the book/show, OJ was reportedly going to explain not how he murdered ex-wife Nicole Brown and companion Ronald Goldman, but how he would have done so, had he done so.

Ok, quit laughing. No, really, let’s cut OJ some slack. I mean, a jury acquitted him, so he really couldn’t be guilty, right? Are you questioning the American justice system?

Though the project has been cancelled, some excerpts have leaked out, including some which I have procured and reprinted here. No questions, please.

OJ’s own words:

I knew Nicole would be coming home late that night, so I would’ve waited outside her place in the dark with a machete I had a homeless dude buy from a pawnshop. Black clothes would help hide me. I would be nervous, not about what I was going to do, but about my time limitations; I had to be at the airport in a few hours for a flight to Chicago .

Before long, Nicole would have appeared. I would probably be expecting her to be alone. When I saw her I would just start shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing. "You think I need you, bitch? I got blonde white girls lining up outside my gate!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.

"I am The motherfucking Juice. I am the star of Naked fucking Gun, bitch! You do not want to fuck with me! They’re gonna use you for a hand puppet after I’m through with you!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.

"Oh, who’s this? Your Jew boyfriend? You want some of this too, Schlomo? You picked the wrong shiksa, bro! There you go. Consider your punk-ass self circumcised all over!" Shouting and slicing, shouting and slicing.

"Yeah, just keep barking, dog. Your mama ain’t coming home tonight, or ever!" I would be really lucky if no one heard me.

After I was finished, I would sneak back over to my car, which would be parked a few blocks away. I would toss the machete into the Los Angeles River on the way home; it would be out of the way, but a good place to get rid of the thing.

When I got home, I would try to clean out the car completely and quietly, so I wouldn’t disturb Kato (Kaelin, OJ’s housemate). Afterwards, I would have a quick shower and get ready just in time for the airport limo’s arrival.

That’s how I would have done it. If I had done it. But I didn’t. Really.

Folks, whether or not the glove fit, OJ is still full of shit.

Speaking of racism, I had not planned to weigh in on the Michael Richards controversy, but since it’s not going away, I will contribute a few thoughts.

I think Richards’ words were shocking, and I do not agree with his sentiments. But I am not sure the incident was a “Mel Gibson moment,” either. Comedians have been called geniuses for (arguably) going too far and shocking their audiences. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor and George Carlin, for just a few examples.

Not to say Richards' words approached "genius" in any way. Not even close.

It may indeed be a double standard, but what comedians say onstage cannot necessarily be given the same weight as identical comments from another person in another context. It’s not to be taken at face value. It’s for shock value. It’s off the cuff (Richards seemed to react in anger, so his remarks probably fit into this category). It’s boundary-breaking. It’s satirical.

For the latter, kind of like when bloggers say they want the terrorists to win.


K9 said...

/bark bark bark

no no no did you see him onstage? it wasnt richard pryor like. not satire by any stretch. just bad, not funny (the uber sin for comedy)

but more egregious than his total loss of composure was the apology on letterman. he blamed his outburst on the black/white tension due to post katrina!!! the jerk. i hate blamers. do something wrong, apologize and then STFU. stop with the mewling already.

i never liked the show seinfeld or the kramer guy anyway. *ptui*

but i swear to God why does the media focus on this infantile issue when real things are going down all over the globe. OJ? i dont want to ever think about him. and i dont.

how was the tofu loaf and sticks and twigs cassarole?


Pete Bogs said...

k9 - he wasn't being satirical, he was being an ass... he was flailing around pathetically... basically, death for a standup comedian... but my point is, I'm surprised this made the news... comedians have been doing this stuff forever...

katrina - that is pretty pathetic... maybe it was a Mel Gibson moment... the devil made me do it, the drinking made me do it, the HURRICANE made me do it! yeah, right...

the mashed potatoes and gravy were great, thanks! hope you enjoyed T-Day...

btw, Aunt B seems a bit worried about a summit... I am not, however...

Hellpig said...

I feel the big joke here on the Richards thing is that Gloria Allred solicited the blacks for a civil suit to receive compensation,Richards should move to Miami and not give them shit they don't deserve a fucking dime....Free Speech is Free Speech regardless of how distasteful

Pete Bogs said...

hell - I didn't know Gloria had her hands in this, but I could have guessed... this is certainly not an issue where any money should change hands... it's not that kind of issue... I would argue that comedians don't typically make the news when they suck, when they verbally attack their audiences or when they use racial epithets, as are all true here... he shouldn't have done it, but he did it... it's not the same thing when a George Allen uses the word "macaca" at a public event... we expect accountability from officials...

Hellpig said...

She and the plaintiffs were on just about every MSM talk show just made me want to barf seeing her greed.."We just want just compensation whatever the retired judge offers we will accept" no mention about the fact the blacks a party of 20 were late,loud and obnoxious and heckling Richards upon their entry into the nightclub......he fired back although he lost control of his words,they still started the the whole thing..

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

free speech means you can say whatever you want. and the freedom also to suck up the backlash for that choice. social physics. i saw allred today and i knew it would be milked. those guys look like theys all broke up. no, its an opportunity. is it right?
does it matter? they almost gave oj a forum.

hell what happened to kramer is what we call down here a hard lesson.

our little blog debates are an example of free speech working well. kramer was free to speak but was in a rabid froth while doing so... and on video more to the point. it wouldnt have mattered who was on the receiving end of that tirade. so...nature takes her course so to speak. its a penalty for being a dumbass. in this litigious society no less. hes dumb......and over.


Pete Bogs said...

you guys are shitting me! there is a real lawsuit over this? I don't watch enough TV, I guess... amen on the right to free speech, and the right to live with the consequences...

Hellpig said...

Dawg his frothing tirade was over the top,but what pushed him over the top..20 blacks entering a comedy nightclub late and during Richards set being loud disrespectful and obnoxious,imagine that 20 blacks being loud and obnoxious....Richards obviously has race issues,but I just don't feel any sympathy for the group of blacks....especially the 2 plaintiffs....Richards was over when Seinfeld ended...he doesnt need the maybe he is mental or something? The LA Laugh're shitting me.. why?

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

a clever and funny comic would have turned the tables on the heckling and be able dig on them by using any other means available to him, ike their obnoxiousness. anything other than race. like riffing off the stupid things they said or ANYTHING creative. as to our outraged plaintiffs yeah they had it point is in america, today, you better be prepared to have your behavior reviewed by the entire nation because it appears that everything is video taped; name it.

cc: mark foley
cc; marion barry
cc: john delorean
cc; wynona ryder
you get the idea

bogs i saw the plaintiffs on tv, its real. theyre suing. you know they are laughing off there heads in private.


Hellpig said...

I agree Dawg,I never use race in my diggs I am far to talented with my tongue to resort to race,I was a fat freckled face kid w/braces until ninth grade,and used wit to the barage of put downs was beat up frequently until my sophmore year.......In todays tech world you bet your ass you had better be on notice if you are famous,Richards is a racist pure and simple,but the 2 plaintiffs in my eyes are just as offensive.they should be suing Laugh Factory not Richards,and Richards should sue the Laugh Factory as well,I hope both parties get hosed for making me spend so much thought into

Pete Bogs said...

I was actually thinking about the impact of video earlier today... Lenny Bruce didn't have a camera at every show, but now people have them in their phones and everything... there's a lot more "proof" now, I guess... still, a lawsuit - that's ridiculous... if the boss said to you, "You're black, so I'm not promoting you" that's one thing... but go into a comedy club, you better be ready to be offended... I think I have been singled out for my "hairdo," but did not think about suing...

Hellpig said...

They don't even want a law suit they want to be mediated by a retired judge as to come to some sort of finacial conclusion which looks a lot like media blackmail,all scholars on judicial law say there is no grounds for a civil suit and the case would be tossed....Everytime Allred was asked about lawsuit she pushed for mediation for a conclusion to this ordeal...Oh my poor wronged clients were so intimidated and fearfull........ROFLMAO you need to see it to believe it Bogs

Peaches said...

I think it was ex Aussie Rupert Murdock who organised for OJ to do his book. Sadly enough he cannot sack himself...too powerful too rich.

Didn't know Americans knew what satire was..ohhhhhhhh! Naughty me!

Pete Bogs said...

peaches - you cheeky sheila!

Lil Bit said...

Oh, christ.
I heard about this OJ book coming out recently - *shaking head & rolling eyes*
Reading that excerpt makes me ... wanna barf.
Excuse me while I go up-chuck my turkey sandwich now. lol

.... and I think Michael Richards' career is officially over now.
The apology on Letterman was lame as hell.