Friday, September 29, 2006

Oral (Sex) Report 2: This Time It's Personal

When it comes to fellatio, the skill and tolerance levels of women are as varied as the tumescent dick is long. Where do women learn these skills? Why are some women so incredible at it? Why are others so damned cockshy? We may never know.

But it sure is fun to talk about!

Though people don’t always welcome categorization, my own “oral history” tells me most women fall into one of four categories when it comes to blowjobs.

One. Those women who take things to the finish line and beyond (for my licentious avian friends, that’s women who’ll let men cum in their mouths, and then swallow; notice also I have gone from business metaphors to sport metaphors, as is more appropriate for such a physical activity). Jimmy-hats off to these Supa-Suckaz who crave the flava (yo!) of a protein man-shake. Such troopers. You rock my world! Respect.

Two. Those women who take things to the finish line and then purge. BJ bulimics, of a sort. This is ok, but remember, it's the little extra effort you put into things that people appreciate and remember you for when you're old and gray-pubed.

Three. Those women who get near the finish line but drop out before crossing it. Props for running the race, but why'd you quit just when it was getting good? You wouldn't like me doing that to you, would you? And leaving me when I'm feeling so vulnerable – totally ungallant! Hold me.

Four. Those women who are so inhibited as to not be willing to even put their mouths anywhere close to that area on a man. These women, for instance:

Tina Daugherty of 25420 Rambling Oaks Lane, Plant City, FL 33563

Kathleen Mosely of 3002 Trinity Drive #114, Orlando, FL 32810

Melissa Sharp of 809 Dartmouth Place #239, Elgin, Illinois 60121

Feel free to contact these women regularly and harass them about their prudery; I certainly do!

Actually, these are fictitious women, but that could change at any time. (Consider yourselves on notice!)

I have precious little sympathy for women who won't do oral – and do it right (see categories One and Two above). Partly because I enjoy cunnilingus on so many levels, and believe in "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But also because most of their reasons for not doing it are so lame.

Now, I'm talking about otherwise well-adjusted women here. Anyone who's had a traumatic sexual history (e.g. some non-consenting experiences) may certainly consider themselves excluded from my admonitions.

Who I am talking about are women who apparently never left that “icky, yucky, gross” phase of their personalities behind with their girlhoods.

There are semenly a lot of jiz-o-phobic women out there. For many, the man-chowder is not allowed to touch any part of them except the inside of their uterus, and then only for a more “noble” purpose than pleasuring a lover. Never in their mouth, nor on their skin, not in their shoes or on their pillows or houseplants when they're not at home, either. What gives?

Look, if men (or women) said to their female lovers, "I'll go down on you, as long as none of your bodily fluids gets in or around my mouth, or anywhere on my body," oral sex for women as we know it would cease to exist.

So remember that, and be grateful for the pleasure you receive. More important, realize that you may be practicing a double standard by not returning the favor.

There is no way good way to avoid a woman’s love juices during oral – not that I care to – and for some women they can be voluminous. The real difference between men and women in this context is that our secretions have velocity. For women they just kind of seep out, whereas ours may do that initially, but, spring-loaded as they are, exit the tunnel at the speed of light. (A secondary reason we have eyelids, by the way.)

Ladies, when it comes to mouth-love and your man, please don’t hesitate to step up to the plate and kneel. You are the catcher in this hetero balling game, after all. Otherwise, get thee to a nunnery.

I’m not sexist for knowing what I want sexually from a woman; I’m “empowered.” Think I’ll write a book about it.

PS: Don't forget the balls; they're part of the package, too.


The Flabbergasted Heathen said...

Hey Bogs, to be fair, I've known some women that manage to have some rather intensive velocity to thei rbodily fluids... I'm not sure if this should havebeen included in part one or two.

Another service to humanity...keep up the good work.

Pete Bogs said...

flab - I tried to stay away from golden showers here... also, the G-Spot is still unproven... I have never encountered female ejac...

Bird said...

damn! i flew by for a peek -but I am off to teach and then on to baseball, but this "licentious avian" will return and comment more fully...i have a, ahem, mouthful...


Pete Bogs said...

bird - I look forward to you returning to regurgitate it for me...

Madame X said...

I truly believe the g spot is a myth...just saying.

Whoot for the boys cuz they need attention too! Just make sure you groom them, K?

Not for nothin but I can look at a chick and tell if she's ever had a penis in her mouth! It's a gift.
Hang with me and you'll never go wrong....
It's my new pick up line, what do you think?

Also, dude, untill you've heard my mom sing "Let's get it on." you've not heard it done right!

The Flabbergasted Heathen said...

G-spot's real. No doubt about it. Quite a fun button to push too!

Pete Bogs said...

madame - according to Dr. Evil, a freshly shorn scrotum is "breathtaking" he wouldn't lie, would he? I agree that grooming is important for both sexes, especially when oral is in the offing...

I have never heard a woman sing that song... hmm...

about your special gift: is it stretch marks around their mouths, maybe? lol

flab - I hope you're right... has anyone ever looked for one of these things during an autopsy?

Bird said...

came back to comment (almost out the door - giants vs. dodgers tonight - BEAT LA! BEAT LA!)...

but got distracted by Marvin's video. now, I know this video's been on your blog for a bit here bogs (since oral sex part one), but i didn't watch it all the way through until just now.

i love marvin gaye even more now.

the man clearly knows about foreplay and it's irrelevant if that foreplay has anything to do with genitalia or mouths.

i'm sure there are plenty of women who would step up to the plate for him anytime.

now about this kneeling thing there bogs - sounds pretty agressive and authoritative to me - you know, we girls can hum a mouthful without kneeling or having the guy tower over us.

there's also the chick flat-on-her-back position and the man kneeling over her you know. that position somehow disarms the towering, agressive, you-will-kneel-at-my feet and do what i command effect.

nother point - finish line. that's all fine and well, but just remember, when the guy finishes, the gal is often left behind - sometimes this activity is foreplay - not the climax.

by the way - the writing on this post is much stronger than its counterpart. guess the personal allows for that, eh?

alright - now remember everybody-

(those boys in blue shouldn't get nutthin - no HUM baby for them!)

damn- baseball and sex - that's the best!

Pete Bogs said...

bird - thanks for stopping in... the "kneel" part completes the plate/catcher/ball analogy... there are much better ways to do a bj than kneeling...

I understand what you mean about women being left behind - my previous sex post was about not allowing that to happen... putting her pleasure before yours, etc. so, in my world, that wouldn't be the case... but I could see some selfish man letting it happen...

thanks for the compliment... what's my grade, teach? ;-)

Sanford B. Hines said...

What about Mark Foley?

Bird said...

i am not grading this weekend!

i am baseballing! on to the next game this afternoon.

but i have another comment - about "this time it's personal"

it should have been personal last time too.

no man nor woman has any business going down if it's not personal.

Sanford B. Hines said...

What about Mark Foley? Did he want oral sexual perversions?

Pete Bogs said...

bird - you've never seen any movie trailers, I take it?

sanford - nice try, but you're still off-topic...

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

"Don't think of it as work.
The whole point is to just relax and enjoy yourself."
- otter in animal house.

be sincere.


Sanford B. Hines said...

I have a feeling that Mark Foley wanted to have gay oral sexual perversions with someone underage. A underage male. Mark Foley Quit. Does his quiting mean he is not interested in gay oral sexaul perversions with males under the legal age in the United States Of America on Earth.

CROAK said...

You swallow a bit of your own first and then you can demand that. Ok?

This post was more aggressive I think than the previous one...must come ( pardon the pun) with the territory.

Pete Bogs said...

k9 - exactly...

croak - I don't think I'm being unreasonable... men taste plenty and that was a major point of this post... give unto others as they give unto you, and be a grownup about it... your suggestion is interesting, as it could certainly work both ways... that would be fair, I suppose...

Sanford B. Hines said...

But what about Mark Foley? Is he gay or just bi? Will there be an investitgaysion?

Sanford B. Hines said...

Is Mark Foley a fucking Gay? A Gay republican? I thought it was immoral to be gay. Why is he gay and a republican. I thought fucking republicans were so fucking moral? What happen? What went wrong? Does Mark Foley like boys also? I thought that was wrong. I thought it was wrong in the United States of America to try and have sex with children. Was he trying to have sex with an underage boy? The republicans cannot even understand what this means. This means that the republicans are corrupt. Motherfuckerssssssssss

Fuck the EArth, fuck Heaven, fuck God, Fuck mommy, Fuck Daddy, and Fuck Bush, and fuck barney.

The bombs will start to fall and there will be no time to turn back to the past. The only way is to progess into oblivian, into the darkness, the void, nothingness. Death is death. There is nothing more left for human organism because it will eventually become extinct because of its ability to kill the earth and the sky.

Thanks YOu?

PS. Mom is gonna take it back. Wipe it all away, gonna make a new start. Flush it down, Flush it down.

disguised said...

Ever herad of women who have trouble breathing through their noses?? (I.e., allergies?) Suffocation ain't that fun.

disguised said...

I'll give a lick
to your big 'ol prick
were it a sight to see.

But alas it wilts
or perhaps it tilts
And the 'cum blinded my eye, I see.

Pete Bogs said...

disguised - I'd never expect a woman to make a choice between breathing and blowing!

love the limerick... so far from the truth, though... lol

Jack K. said...

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You need to check it out.