Tuesday, September 19, 2006

I Am Tired Of These Motherf*cking Lobsters On This Motherf*cking Plane!

Did you know that, among the many, many things you’re not allowed to bring on a plane these days, live lobsters are not on the list? I didn’t, until yesterday.

Turns out you can take live lobsters on a plane as long as you don’t exceed the maximum specs for carryon baggage.

This is madness. I mean, what if the lobsters get loose from their packing, fall from the overhead compartments on some unsuspecting flight attendant and start pinching her toes? It could be mayhem in the skies!

Or worse, what if terrorists breed weaponized “super lobsters” and then use them during flight? Do as I say, infidel, or my lobster will pinch your damn nose off!

One thing is for sure – knowing those little monsters could be writhing around on my flight, I’ll never fly again! And the same goes for those nasty lobsters!


presidentbobo said...


Damn those crafty terrorists. They are always one step ahead of us! The answer to weaponized lobsters (shudder) is, of course weaponized drawn butter! Alas, we are not allowed to carry on liquids much less molten butter! Is there no end to their madness? At least we can carry on garlic...

Pete Bogs said...

pres - and no lemons, which could be squeezed, and the juice used to blind the flight crew!

I like garlic, but the terrorists don't typically seem to be vampires... well, not the traditional kind...

Bird said...

bogs - you haven't thought this through clearly. lobsters can work for us, as deterants to terrorist activity on planes.

passengers can carry lobsters as weapons - imagine how horrible it would be for a terrorist to have his nose or ear, or shudder, family jewels cut off with live lobster claw action?

naturally, only passengers who have received training at a proper lobsters-as-defense school would be allowed to carry lobsters on board. we can't have any lobster-carrying vigilantes going off ...half clawed, now can we?

and lemons - we can use them just as effectively as the terrorists. so actually, the aforementioned school would be a food-as-defense school.

additionally, the collective bad breath of passengers may be an effective weapon against terrorists on board long flights. nothing like an airplane full of people who haven't brushed their teeth in 12 hours - yousa!

oh - and just think, if we don't need to use the lobsters to combat a terrorist in-flight and IF the plane crashes in some remote area, the survivors can eat the lobsters instead of each other.

be a true american, a true patriot and just say yes to in-flight lobsters!

Anonymous said...

There is only one thing that could help this situation. We need to consider more air marshals. This would help eleviate the fear factor and also inhibit the possible first strike capabilities of the radical extremist muslums. Of course there wont be anymore air marshals put on plains because Bush does not want to spend anymore money on saftey. Bush wants to give more tax cuts to his rich fuckers so they can get richer and richer and so poor people can get poorer and poorer. President Bush does not like poor people simply put. He likes rich people. He thrives off rich people. Rich people makes him feel good about himself. Bush needs to bring back the troop to secure our borders from future attackers.

Thanks you? I have to go go.

Jack K. said...

It was only a matter of time. First snakes on a plane, now lobsters on a plane.

There may be a way around the ban on liquids being a part of carry-on luggage. I seem to remember that medicinal liquids are OK. So, for safety's sake, get a prescription from you physician. Make sure it is made out for just enough to deal with a reasonable sized lobster.

Oops! I just realized that the lobsters will be living. Now, Houston, we do have a very BIG problem. How are we to capture and cook the crustaceans? I will have to do some research to determine if microwave ovens will work. Then we will have to convince the air crew that it is OK for them to let us use said ovens.

bird, as for the olfactory offenses, I have a sneaky hunch that terrorists might have breath more foul than garlic/lobster breath. Good thought though. Aha, if non-terrorists were to all use breath mints, then it would be easier to detect the malcontents.

Just some thoughts that might be of service to others. You must know I do care about you. And I am trying diligently to share the love in my heart. If only I can find them.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

the new york times told the hijackers which pilots had shellfish allergies.

drawn butter is deadly all right...its just not quick enough for terrorists. they strike me as immediate gratification types.

anon: youre right no more marshalls on the plains. i mean, what can ya do about grass and bison?


Anonymous said...

Hey all. Is the spinach safe yet? Whats the news? Has Bush resolve this issue. This sucks very bad. I think the CIA may be involved. They like to be involved with domestic issues. Its becuase of Bush, Its his fault.

Thanks You?

Anonymous said...

Hey, you see what happne to Tiland. That Guy went to NY and there was a coo. They took over Tiland. That would be cool if that happen in the US to bush. Everyone would be happy and rejoice. Earth would then again be safe from republicans and bnush.

thanks you?

The Flabbergasted Heathen said...

Pinchy akbar!!!!

Pete Bogs said...

anon - you're way off topic, as usual...

k9 - don't encourage him...

flab - stay off of my flights, ok? :-)

Bird said...

what about live crabs?

Pete Bogs said...

bird - the lice kind or the hellpig kind?

actually, the answer is simple: "I am tired of these motherfucking crustaceans on this motherfucking plane!!!" that should cover it...

Anonymous said...

Is the Spinach fixed? Tell me, is it? Im getting tired of eating brochlii.

Thanks You?

talkytalk said...

Poor bloody lobsters. How are they suppose to survive without water??

Poor bloody bogs... how is he going to survive another plane trip not knowing what animal is going to leap from a great height.

Pete Bogs said...

talk - critters belong in the cargo hold... let them pinch luggage!

infinitesimal said...

Good GOD!


coup <---- a french word
I dunno how to spell broccoli either

I guess that Anon is not from USA or was educated in Texas.


If you do not kill the lobsters by boiling them alive, they secrete a poison. terrorists could poison the first class section and then pass the leftovers to the rest of the plane.

Just a thought.

no need to thank me.