When it comes to fellatio, the skill and tolerance levels of women are as varied as the tumescent dick is long. Where do women learn these skills? Why are some women so incredible at it? Why are others so damned cockshy? We may never know.
But it sure is fun to talk about!
Though people don’t always welcome categorization, my own “oral history” tells me most women fall into one of four categories when it comes to blowjobs.
One. Those women who take things to the finish line and beyond (for my licentious avian friends, that’s women who’ll let men cum in their mouths, and then swallow; notice also I have gone from business metaphors to sport metaphors, as is more appropriate for such a physical activity). Jimmy-hats off to these Supa-Suckaz who crave the flava (yo!) of a protein man-shake. Such troopers. You rock my world! Respect.
Two. Those women who take things to the finish line and then purge. BJ bulimics, of a sort. This is ok, but remember, it's the little extra effort you put into things that people appreciate and remember you for when you're old and gray-pubed.
Three. Those women who get near the finish line but drop out before crossing it. Props for running the race, but why'd you quit just when it was getting good? You wouldn't like me doing that to you, would you? And leaving me when I'm feeling so vulnerable – totally ungallant! Hold me.
Four. Those women who are so inhibited as to not be willing to even put their mouths anywhere close to that area on a man. These women, for instance:
Tina Daugherty of 25420 Rambling Oaks Lane, Plant City, FL 33563
Kathleen Mosely of 3002 Trinity Drive #114, Orlando, FL 32810
Melissa Sharp of 809 Dartmouth Place #239, Elgin, Illinois 60121
Feel free to contact these women regularly and harass them about their prudery; I certainly do!
Actually, these are fictitious women, but that could change at any time. (Consider yourselves on notice!)
I have precious little sympathy for women who won't do oral – and do it right (see categories One and Two above). Partly because I enjoy cunnilingus on so many levels, and believe in "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But also because most of their reasons for not doing it are so lame.
Now, I'm talking about otherwise well-adjusted women here. Anyone who's had a traumatic sexual history (e.g. some non-consenting experiences) may certainly consider themselves excluded from my admonitions.
Who I am talking about are women who apparently never left that “icky, yucky, gross” phase of their personalities behind with their girlhoods.
There are semenly a lot of jiz-o-phobic women out there. For many, the man-chowder is not allowed to touch any part of them except the inside of their uterus, and then only for a more “noble” purpose than pleasuring a lover. Never in their mouth, nor on their skin, not in their shoes or on their pillows or houseplants when they're not at home, either. What gives?
Look, if men (or women) said to their female lovers, "I'll go down on you, as long as none of your bodily fluids gets in or around my mouth, or anywhere on my body," oral sex for women as we know it would cease to exist.
So remember that, and be grateful for the pleasure you receive. More important, realize that you may be practicing a double standard by not returning the favor.
There is no way good way to avoid a woman’s love juices during oral – not that I care to – and for some women they can be voluminous. The real difference between men and women in this context is that our secretions have velocity. For women they just kind of seep out, whereas ours may do that initially, but, spring-loaded as they are, exit the tunnel at the speed of light. (A secondary reason we have eyelids, by the way.)
Ladies, when it comes to mouth-love and your man, please don’t hesitate to step up to the plate and kneel. You are the catcher in this hetero balling game, after all. Otherwise, get thee to a nunnery.
I’m not sexist for knowing what I want sexually from a woman; I’m “empowered.” Think I’ll write a book about it.
PS: Don't forget the balls; they're part of the package, too.