Monday, May 15, 2006

You Can See My ID When You Pry It From My Clammy, Bacteria-Laden Hands

Mother’s Day is over, and the untenable Pete Bogs is back, full of piss and vinegar!

I’ve decided to leave the topic of whether 21 is a reasonable drinking age for another post. I could write a huge book on it, but the topic so riles me, I’d probably use the book to whack people to death. That’s no way to start a Monday.

However, this ID/proof/carding shit is getting waaay out of hand.

Alcohol-related restrictions vary from state to state, but most have one element in common: They're really stupid.

Tennessee is leaning toward making ID checks mandatory for all retail beer sales. I’ll set aside the weirdness of it being only beer (higher-in-alcohol-content liquor would oddly be exempt) and only through stores and not, say, a restaurant that serves beer, and focus on the main issue here.

I go into stores and see signs like, “If you don’t look 60, please have your ID ready for alcohol or tobacco purchases.” The only thing I’m going to have ready for the clerk in that store is a bad attitude with a big helping of “Fuck you!” if the subject of my ID comes up.

Locally, the drinking age is 21; the minimum age for buying tobacco is 18. It is my honest feeling that once you reach legal age people should get off your back and let you at what you’ve been denied for so long.

Let’s say you have a youthful look about you; if you’ve just turned legal, it’s understandable you may be required to provide ID. But there should not be a decades-long transition period where you have to humor the establishment and continue to show your ID.

This ridiculous practice also comes up when purchasing tickets for an R-rated movie or even a lottery ticket. (These movies and lottery tickets killed over 100,000 young people in the US alone last year, right? RIGHT?) Pathetic.

So there’s the “carding senior citizens” thing, which is absurd, but the “readiness” aspect is equally asinine. Have my ID ready when I get to the counter? How long does it take to get my license out of my immense pocket-sized wallet?

If it’s me you’re dealing with, you’ll have to wait a second, chief. In the meantime, perhaps you can put your thumb up your ass.

I’ve seen incidents in which customers and clerks have gotten into arguments over this. The prevailing attitude seems to be, “Don’t give the clerks a hard time about doing their jobs.” Hey, buddy, we’d all like to have hassle-free lives.

If you ask something ridiculous of me – even as part of your job – you’re going to hear about it. So have your "thick skin" ready when I get to the counter, ok? (Maybe I'll wear a t-shirt like that so they know what to expect.)

If working people take issue with my policy, I suggest they take it up with the assholes in their state governments and/or the assholes at MADD. (Yes, them too, and I stand by that assessment. These institutions believe any law limiting access to alcohol, no matter how nonsensical, is a good one.)

Bottom line, if you want to see my ID you’re going to have to wait. And my four-pack of Guinness Draught pint cans? Hand it over, and be quick about it, lest I box your impudent ears!


Aunty Belle said...

I'se jes' laughin' an laughin'...shur darlin' the ID thang is silly
...UNLESS youse of an age when, if someone asks for your ID. you'd like to KISS em'! Us older sorts sugar, find it highly gratifyin'.

K9 said...

/bark bark bark

well this isnt unlike the airport scenario is it? in order to not "profile" ethnic types (not all muslims are using planes as bombs but so far, all the plane as weapon users are muslims) you have to do searches on grandmothers and little babies and nordic swiss know, to be fair. to be sensitive. same thing here....we're not singling out you youngsters, see? were inconveniencing everybody!


Pete Bogs said...

k9 - yeah, I'm not much for random searches either... my DUI blog is coming soon as well... dovetails nicely into this one...

The Flabbergasted Heathen said...

Random my ass! Two meters tall with bright blue'll get searched on every bloody plane you get near. Trust me on this one.

As for the alcohol thing, I haven't been carded since my nineteenth birthday, so I have no room to bitch. Is this something I have to prepare for when I get to Bushganistan?

Pete Bogs said...

flab - yes indeed... you should stay in the Land of the Free - Canada...

Bird said...

I'm with AUnty Belle on this one, Bogs. Clearly, you are closer to 21 than you are to 50.

About a month ago,after a really, long,frustrating day of teaching, grading papers,conferencing with students,and attending a major pain-in-the ass faculty meeting, I stopped of at my local grocery store on the way home from work (it was freaking 7:30PM in the evening and I'd been on campus since 8AM) for a chicken breast, radishes, butter lettuce, and a bottle of wine.( i really didn't care about the chicken breast, radishes, and butter lettuce - they were just a cover for the wine, kind of like buying magazines, a toothbrush, and a pack of tissues when you're buying condoms - at least - when you bought condoms BACK IN THE DAY... maybe it's different NOW.)

the clerk asked to see my ID.

i burst into laughter.

the clerk said, "I'm sorry. I'm serious. I need to see ID."

"No problem," i said as i laughed so hard, i had to wipe tears from my eyes. "Here it is." and I handed it over, adding, "You know, I think I love you. In fact, I think your boss needs to give you a raise."

The poor clerk blushed red when she looked at my ID.She handed it back, and said, most apolegitcally (sp?), "I'm required to card anyone who looks younger than 30, so I'm sorry I carded you ma'm." (she almost lost points with "ma'm.")

More hysterical laughter from me.

"Look, " I said. "I've just had a really long hard day at work, and you have made my day! You deserve a dozen red roses, a raise, a promotion. You're fabulous!"

I walked out of that store in glee.

Now granted, clearly, the clerk was a moron (I'm freaking 49 for crying out loud, and though many tell me I don't look it, I definately look OVER 30 - geesh!)!

but I don't care if she was a moron or blind or both.

I was thrilled to be carded.

And when you're pushin' 50, Bogs, you'll be grateful if some young thing cards you too!

Pete Bogs said...

actually, I have always looked older than I am, so I used to buy the beer in high school... but I think I am just wired differently than some people - I take great offense in being asked to something that I shouldn't have to do... so, the older I get, the more ridiculous carding me is... I'll get more into this on another post soon...

Blue said...

Coupla things here:

In Oz - you can't buy alcohol at a supermarket - so thats a little weird for me :-)

Second - I went to pubs underage all the time. The first time they carded me was on my (well published) eighteenth birthday. (thats legal in Oz).

Third - Not sure about your laws, but in Oz if you let someone buy smokes or alcohol without checking ID, and they are underage - you are personally liable (I think its a $2500 fine) + employeer gets fined too. So if I'm the bunny serving - I'm gonna ask if I'm not sure - coz I don't have that kind of cash.

Fourth - I agree with Bird tho' - I'm stoked when I get asked, unless its by slimey guys - then I feel besmirched and they get shredded.