Monday, February 13, 2006

The Unmentionable War On Terror

It’s recently come to light that a current FBI employee pilfered, among other things, more than 1000 articles of women’s underwear from residences in Fairfax County, Virginia.

At first blush, these thefts may seem like the actions of a twisted pervert. But they're actually part of a clothing collection program dubbed “Terrorists Hiding Ordnance iN Garments” (THONG), a valuable tool in the war on domestic terrorism fully sanctioned by the bureau.

“Do you remember those two Russian planes that were brought down by Chechnyan women?” said one source inside the FBI. “They had explosives in their bras. We can’t discount the notion that some disillusioned housewife will be recruited to bring a panty-bomb into a football game or a school play.”

In some instances, highly trained FBI sniffer dogs have been used to locate potentially lethal panties within private residences. In other cases, human volunteers from the bureau have done that job.

The president today promised a swift inquiry into who revealed the Fairfax County operative's identity.

“I can’t tell you how damaging this may be to our efforts in the war on terra (sic),” said Bush. Some people want to give aid and comfortable underwear to terrorists. We’re dealing with dangerous folks here. In other words, they’re dressed to kill.”

Added Bush, “If someone from Victoria’s Secret is calling Al Qaeda, we want to know why.”

While the president insists THONG is completely legal, and was authorized by Congress shortly after the 9/11 attacks, the program has its critics.

One theft victim, who asked not to be identified, said, “I spent like $90 on this water-bra thing. I was going to surprise my husband on Valentine’s Day. Now I’m not sure what I’ll do.”

But the president says he plans to continue the program for as long as it's needed.

“Gonzo (Attorney General Alberto Gonzales) and the top brass over at Homeland Security personally assured me that this program has been very effectible (sic) in identifying dangerous individuals. We have no plans of dropping THONG anytime soon.”

While the president refused to cite examples of who has been targeted by THONG, recent targets are widely believed to include several professional football cheerleader squads and waitresses from a popular chicken wing restaurant chain.

19 comments:

Mr Q said...

What a visual. One sugesstion though.
If you get a chance, send it to Lorne Michaels, I would love to see this on a sketch. Simply Hillarious. I enjoy reading your posts although don't comment on all of them. Thanks for the link too.

Zya said...

*laughs*
interestingly enough.. in australia, Thongs mean flip flops!

And so I would talk to american and say, y'know... I'm going to the beach in my thongs... and WELL.


Aaanyway. *coughs embarassedly*

presidentbobo said...

"effectible" - classic.

Pete Bogs said...

Zya, before "intimate" thongs caught on here in the last few years, flip-flops were also known as thongs... that meaning has been replaced by a "cheekier" one now...

Mr. Q and Mr. Prez - thanks!

Pete Bogs said...

PS: Zya - stay out of the water... feeding frenzies!

K9 said...

i would prefer to fall on the sharpened stok of the zwart fir than sniff out a ladies pantie. onrealistische witte hond maak art or tear a gat in crotch van verschrikking!

dank u bogs for visiting freya. keep safe to you heart the rotty triumph. You see what cheney did to my marionet! shot off his benens!

Reverend X said...

You know spy guys, if you are too embarrased to by frilly stuff in person or the girls at Frederick's know your wife doesn't just "happen to be your size", there are quite a few Drag catalogs to order from... Or EBAY if you need "used".
That's a naughty secret agent man!

Pete Bogs said...

you so crazy, Rev X!

K9 said...

fredericks is of cheap nylons and polys.
yes better for man, even better for reverend.

Paddys_Gal said...

Pete, lol, thanks for that bit of levity. I agree with mr.q - this would make a good sketch for SNL or MadTV.

Chairman eDog said...

The price you pay for using "liberal" as a negative is: I collect your fucking head.

Ooooh! I think I just wet myself. Liberal, liberal, nanny nanny boo boo!

infinitesimal said...

Well,
I guess we found out where K9 went on his "vacation"

Top secret business I am sure....

Good afternoon!

And great post. Has triumph been helping you?
Hysterical...."no intention of dropping THONG"....HAHAHA

Pete Bogs said...

Chairman Chow - that was a great comment.... for me to POOP ON!

sorry, my drinking buddy has been a bad influence... I now pee on everything I pass by...

Pete Bogs said...

thanks, everyone... Mr. Q and PG - my choice for the guy to depict Bush in this sketch would be the incredible Frank Caliendo...

Pete Bogs said...

here's a video clip of Caliendo doing Bush... hmm...

http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/01/29.html

infinitesimal said...

Hey,
What is your favorite flower?

I am thinking of a new post.

Please do tell.

Thanks friendy

K9 said...

bogs think vrees is what regulate behavior with regard to faith? vrees of hell? this is hell waht we are in now at this time! you think lady is shrivel and dry up too?

hond, tevreden! ja!

Reverend X said...

I am just going to apologize now for picking up your THONG and running with it. I do not know what came over me. You'll see what I mean over at APA...

Pete Bogs said...

Rev X, good work! it's about time we were all "briefed" on these undercover programs...