It’s recently come to light that a current FBI employee pilfered, among other things, more than 1000 articles of women’s underwear from residences in Fairfax County, Virginia.
At first blush, these thefts may seem like the actions of a twisted pervert. But they're actually part of a clothing collection program dubbed “Terrorists Hiding Ordnance iN Garments” (THONG), a valuable tool in the war on domestic terrorism fully sanctioned by the bureau.
“Do you remember those two Russian planes that were brought down by Chechnyan women?” said one source inside the FBI. “They had explosives in their bras. We can’t discount the notion that some disillusioned housewife will be recruited to bring a panty-bomb into a football game or a school play.”
In some instances, highly trained FBI sniffer dogs have been used to locate potentially lethal panties within private residences. In other cases, human volunteers from the bureau have done that job.
The president today promised a swift inquiry into who revealed the Fairfax County operative's identity.
“I can’t tell you how damaging this may be to our efforts in the war on terra (sic),” said Bush. Some people want to give aid and comfortable underwear to terrorists. We’re dealing with dangerous folks here. In other words, they’re dressed to kill.”
Added Bush, “If someone from Victoria’s Secret is calling Al Qaeda, we want to know why.”
While the president insists THONG is completely legal, and was authorized by Congress shortly after the 9/11 attacks, the program has its critics.
One theft victim, who asked not to be identified, said, “I spent like $90 on this water-bra thing. I was going to surprise my husband on Valentine’s Day. Now I’m not sure what I’ll do.”
But the president says he plans to continue the program for as long as it's needed.
“Gonzo (Attorney General Alberto Gonzales) and the top brass over at Homeland Security personally assured me that this program has been very effectible (sic) in identifying dangerous individuals. We have no plans of dropping THONG anytime soon.”
While the president refused to cite examples of who has been targeted by THONG, recent targets are widely believed to include several professional football cheerleader squads and waitresses from a popular chicken wing restaurant chain.