Friday, February 03, 2006

Smart Shoppers Don’t Wait To Copulate (Post #100)

There are basically two sides to the premarital sex argument – those who say don’t do it, and those who do it. (That’s two sides, not two kinds of people; many people say one and do the other.)

If you’re like George Bush, you take advantage of a global health crisis to push your personal beliefs on abstinence before marriage.

While there’s no shortage of views on the subject, no one’s provided a reasoned argument as to why you should not wait. I seek to rectify that now.

Most people would agree that a healthy sex life is important to a marriage. Since the institution is, ostensibly, until death you do both part, isn’t it a good idea to make sure you and your partner are sexually compatible before signing a lifetime contract?

Car analogies may seem crass here, but would you commit to a lease on a $60,000 car without first – not necessarily in this order – lifting the hood, getting inside it, taking the top down, playing with all the knobs, and taking it for a ride? (Ooh… suddenly I feel so vulnerable.)

I’m not suggesting you cruise town recklessly until you have an STD. Do put on your seatbelt and watch your speed, but don’t let the possibility of a collision keep you off the road entirely.

Sexual compatibility can’t be fully verified by talking about it; you’ve got to live it. You may find out too late that your spouse thinks certain acts or positions are dirty. You may end up with a wife who’s an “angel in the kitchen” and in the bedroom, or a husband who thinks it’s weird for a woman to be on top.

In other words, stuck with a dud.

There are other quality factors to consider, too. If you only ever have one partner, you’ll be like those unfortunate cave dwellers in The Republic, whose awareness of reality is limited to what’s in front of them. You’ll never really know your stuff sexually, and hence get the maximum benefit out of the pursuit, without a diversified education.

The premarital abstinence standard often causes its practitioners to marry too young or too quickly out of sheer horniness. Securing a satisfying sexual relationship first will help lessen the chances of affairs and divorce.

I tell you, if I were still “waiting,” I’d be one miserable bastard, and I’d make everyone around me that way, too. But I know the best way to relieve stress and stay happy is to get that freak on!

Premarital cohabitation, premarital sex’s enabling best buddy, is also recommended. If you marry before living together, you may find your roommate’s habits intolerable. And again, you’re stuck with them.

Wait until you’re married to have sex? Not!

But do wait until at least your late teens, for God’s sake.


Paddys_Gal said...

Congrats on your 100th Blog- and on such a fun subject ! This calls for a drink. Slainte !

infinitesimal said...

I would say wait for the mid twenties....

What if the agenda is to help the true freakazoids find mates?
What if they do not WANT to have sex before marriage so that the other person does not know what kind of weirdo they are?
The old bait and switch.

I dunno, just a thought.

Is it abstinence for women that is being pushed?
or are the promisekeepers involved, I did not go to the site link......

Pete Bogs said...

thanks, PG! there's never a bad time for a pint...

infini - good point about the bait and switch... all the more reason not to wait... find out what you're really getting into...

the link was to a story about faith-based groups that get federal funds... they take advantage of a disease (AIDS) to push something that is already their own belief - wait until marriage... there are virtues to not waiting, which they will never acknowledge... abstinence is for all, in their view, not just men... at least, that's their outward view...

infinitesimal said...

Ain't no way to tell if a dude is still a virgin. Sounds double standardized to me.

Plush chicks need a few years to warm up sexually.
Who wants to marry a fridgedair?
I would rather marry a millionaire.

I am flummoxed today, flustered, dumb.

Mr Q said...

I believe that the male becomes a performer in his late twenties and females on their early twenties, but as with all there are exceptions to the rules.
My take is:
Pre-Marital = Yes
Pre-22 = No
Virginism = No
Freakanism= No

I do believe that each one of us has a match, is just that sometimes we'll depart without finding it. So better try to work with what you have, but not to the point of forgetting about yourself.

Anonymous said...

oh dear--fanning my face, as I am about to FAINT! Well...sugar..I
as stuck back in a your State of Delusion (Infinitessima, sweet pea, I left you a note there too) then I saw this shopper's droppers mart, and --why, I do NOT know what to SA- A- AY!

(Bawgsy, baby, I peeked through mah fingers to skim your Smart Shopper's thesis....maybe I missed
it honey, but I did not see one world know....L O V E. Only well positioned cars?)

You DO know, right? that statistics show that couples who cohabitate before the nuptials have double the divorce rate as those who do not cohabitate --though they do still fornicate...fanning , fanning....oh, oh,,,well,

I see what I said back in your Delusion is now more salient than even I knew.

Au Revoir pets.
Aunty Belle

presidentbobo said...

I gonna have to say pre-marital sex is OK. Hell, some folks aren't even allowed to get married...
I would always say that sex is best when shared with someone you love...or have a strong emotional attachment...or takes credit cards.
(Joking on the last one)

(Always pay in cash)

infinitesimal said...

to: Noblesse Oblige

from: Contessa V.Infinitessima

RE: Thank you note.

Well, I'll be dipped. The queen has spoken. (bowing in homage) Yes M'Lady. For your amusement I offer the ode to the bitch at Chez Vanille

Will perform and post a thank you shuffle toute suite.

THANK YOU NOBLESSE, may i have another?

PS: Please tell my cuuuuuuzzin to turn off the stinking word verification.


K9 said...

/bark bark bark

happy 100th post "bawgs"
Looks like you got yo' self a southern auntie!
she funny.

down with word verification!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Contessa Infinitessima,
No No, puddin'
I did not mean that you were to send a thank you note to moi--gracious no--I meant that the Nigerian villagers would send one to YOU in thanks for your generous gift (that I sent in your name) and that when they responded, they would send a thank you to YOU in care of Noblesse Oblige.
TA Ta...
Aunty B

Pete Bogs said...

no, I didn't mention love in there... sex is better with it, but that was not the focus of this blog... you see, lots has already been written from that angle... I had something to ADD to the mix, not merely continue to rewrite the same thing I've been reading all my life... don't rush into it, don't be stupid about it, but for God's sake don't just decide not to use some of your organs and not others!

I'd have to see those stats on cohabitation and divorce... I'd imagine they're from an unobjective source (i.e. someone who seeks to benefit from them), and I still don't know if I'd believe them...

I don't live with anyone now, but I did in the past... it was a value exercise that I don't hesitate to recommend...

thanks, k9, for noticing the milestone!

infinitesimal said...


100% of divorces begin with marriage.

Pete Bogs said...

well said, infini... inarguable logic...

(correction: I meant "valuable," not "value")

Anonymous said...

Pete said:

"I'd have to see those stats on cohabitation and divorce... "

check out: Psychology Today (7/05)

Living together before marriage seems like a smart way to road test the relationship. But cohabitation may lead you to wed for all the wrong reasons--or turn into a one-way trip to splitsville."


"Couples who move in together before marriage have up to two times the odds of divorce, as compared with couples who marry before living together."

"In my and my husband's case, the
pre-matrimonial experiment seems to have worked out well. But according to recent research, our year of shacking up could have doomed our relationship. Couples who move in
together before marriage have up to two times the odds of divorce, as compared with couples who marry before living together. Moreover, married couples who have lived together before exchanging vows tend to have poorer-quality marriages than couples who moved in after the wedding. Those who cohabited first report less satisfaction, more arguing, poorer communication and lower levels of commitment. ...

Because we have different standards for living partners than for life partners, we may end up married to someone we never would have originally considered for the long haul. "People are much fussier about whom they marry than whom they cohabitate with," explains Paul Amato, a sociologist at Penn State University

"Cohabiting men may carry their uncertainty forward into marriage, with destructive consequences. A 2004 study by psychologist Scott Stanley, based on a national phone survey of nearly 1,000 people, found that men who had lived with their spouse premaritally were on average less committed to their marriages than those who hadn't."

But the stats can be interpreted differently:

Because it's impossible to directly compare the effects of marriage and cohabitation, there's just no way to prove cohabiters' higher divorce rates aren't a side effect of their other characteristics, says psychologist William Pinsof, president of the Family Institute at Northwestern University. They may just be less traditional people -- less likely to stay in an unhappy marriage in observance of religious beliefs or for the sake of appearances. "Those who choose to live together before getting married have a different attitude about marriage to begin with.

one Conclusion:

In short, not everyone buys the idea that cohabitation itself is hazardous to your relationship....[but]Cohabiting relationships, by their nature, appear to be less fulfilling than marital relationships. People who cohabit say they are less satisfied and more likely to feel depressed, Susan Brown has found.

Pete Bogs said...

interesting stuff, anon... I lived with someone happily for several years and we were never married... and I learned HOW to live with someone... it made a good trial run for me back then, though I have yet to have a non-trial run...

infinitesimal said...

Well, Anon, I agree with you 100%

When I get married (if and when) I expect to change my lifestyle, and some of my habits, create new ones together with the huzz, and proceed to grow.

I do not expect to live with the other person first because we would need to buy a house. I would rather spent lots of time at one place or the other to feel that person out.

I am on the fence with sex before marriage. I think sex before marriage intent is fine for the moment, but when you review your life, do you want to lose count over the years? Well maybe you do, but it comes to a point where it is no longer time to experiment and frolick. A point when you want to partner.

My point is this:
People do well with ritual.
There are benefits to anticipation.
Living together first is good if you are not sure they are the one, if you are young and need experience in a relationship. Practice for the ONE yes, good. I do not think it is advisable, psychologically speaking to live in a small place with your intended. I think it is important to have one pace that is your own identity, and merge the two identities to one at the right time with fanfare, so it is memorable.

Abstinance is a way of life for me, but I am just picky. No great selection in my neck of the Midwest.

Anonymous said...

Infinitesimal said...

Well, Anon, I agree with you 100%

When I get married (if and when) I expect to change my lifestyle, and some of my habits, create new ones together with the huzz, and proceed to grow.

Thanks, but I only posted the data.
See lots of it in my line of work.

You have point--people do well with ritual, anticipation.

A young woman explained to me that her decision for abstinence was a form of "being faithful in advance to the husband I will have one day."

Pete Bogs said...

everyone has the right to abstain as they wish... I was tired of the one-sided discussion about abstinence in this country... there's another side that many people won't acknowledge... they won't tell a guy, for example, that he may go to his grave without ever experiencing a "Lewinsky Special"

that would, in a word, suck...

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