Thursday, February 23, 2006

Salvation Delivered To Your Front Door

The founder of Domino’s Pizza is hoping to deliver more than pizzas to South Florida. Entrepreneur Tom Monaghan wants to bring deliverance to the multitudes with his very own $400 million faith-based town and university.

Personally, I’m skeptical; some faith-based settlements
haven’t gone so well.

Ave Maria (“Hail Mary”), as it is to be known, will be a genuine, full-fledged town. But it will have some distinctive aspects.

True to his devout Catholic beliefs, Monaghan is seeking to keep all pharmacies in town contraceptive-free. On the flipside, highly addictive prescription painkillers will still be available at those same pharmacies, so you can still party.

Since all commercial real estate in Ave Maria is already owned by Monaghan, all businesses will have to meet his approval before setting up shop. A “red light district” seems almost certainly out of the question; for me, that’s a deal-killer.

A centralized retail sector will ensure everything one might need is within walking distance. A very progressive,
green idea, that, but only practical from my point of view if all you need is a newspaper. It’s hard to schlep home groceries for the family or a 52” screen TV in the Florida heat.

Residents will be able to enjoy communion wafers in their choice of crispy thin, regular or thick crust. Extra toppings will be available at no charge; however, the “Eucharist Supreme” will require a minimum donation to the collection plate.

Instead of sipping wine from a chalice during services, priests will drink Mountain Dew from a 2-liter bottle.

The town cathedral will feature a 65-foot crucifix, to prove to everyone that Tom’s God is bigger than theirs. It will be handy, though, just in case Godzilla ambles through town. Or a giant vampire.

A sanctuary (safe house) will be set up for priests who’ve been banished from parishes elsewhere. Amenities will include a 24-hour masseuse, spa facilities, a hand-tossed pizza buffet and onsite childcare.

Parking tickets will be paid off simply through the recitation of 50 to 100 “Hail Mary’s” (depending on the severity of the offense) or by presenting a coupon to the citing officer.

The town’s sole bingo hall (big with the Papist set) will be operated by the indigenous Gamahuchee Indians.

Florida Governor Jeb Bush, a practicing Catholic, will be permitted to open an oil drilling operation inside the town, provided he agrees to govern the entire state by Catholic dogma.

Heretics, er, non-Catholics will be welcome to buy homes in Ave Maria, as long as they keep their mortgage payments up until they die and go to hell.

It’ll be interesting to see how much control Monaghan is able to exert over his dream town. If he indeed expects the populace to adhere to his conservative beliefs, he’ll have to make a lot of decisions about what kind of businesses will be allowed, and what they can sell. Alcohol? Tobacco? Firearms? Sports Illustrated?

And will Monaghan be able to control who comes to town, when the residents may have family and friends visiting from all over? He may quickly find that keeping bad elements from despoiling his holy vision of faith, fellowship and free toppings is not so easy.

19 comments:

Normy said...

Hehehehe... ::cackles:: This is great!

presidentbobo said...

Will Monaghan or the town (compound?) be liable when the inevitable pederast priest lawsuits begin? Talk about a captive audience...

Pete Bogs said...

normy - thanks for coming by...

pres - my understanding is Ave Maria will be considered its own country, like the Vatican... it will be able to declare war (crusades) and everything... anyway, as a sovereign nation it will not be subject to US laws...

Anonymous said...

Not to worry. Substituting Mountain Dew for wine will insure no self-respecting priest will apply.

Oh! Now I get it. That is the purgatory for the child molesting priests. Go, Mohaghan, Go!

infinitesimal said...

OK lets think critically,

Dominoes no longer pays taxes.
It's true, declair yourself a church and be rendered tax free.

Free Childcare.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am going to have to post holy hookers for you now! Come look for it a bit later today....

Mr Q said...

This is insane. I love it. Pour a lot of money in it, make a lot out of it, then die; simply genius. I never try Domino's. Favorite is the Papa.

Pete Bogs said...

anon - they will be given safe haven from "frivolous lawsuits"

infini - they have a place called the Holy Land down here... it's a theme park a la Disney, and it's tax-free status was recently challenged and upheld in court... this place has all the theme park trappings - merchandise, etc. it's a cash cow... why shouldn't they have to pay from their profits? I've never understood why religious orgs get to go tax-free anyway... filling out my taxes earlier this week, I noticed the forms had questions about church-related activities... what does that have to do with anything???

I see a new blog topic coming on...

Mr q - Papp rules...

Anonymous said...

Oh BAWGS!! WHAT are we gonna do with you?? You are funny, but there is a limit, chile'! ( Iffin' You said that to smoke me out, you got me going fur shure.)

First thang is this: Monaghan ain't the first man in FLorida to try this trick. Jes' a few miles up the road from you, sugar, (and not too far from me over heah on the other side of the state) a hog trot north of Dunedin, and then a jog over to hammock creek there used to be a Catholic settlement called San Antonio.

1885 it were...a rich fella by the name of Edmund Francis Dunne had the idea of a enclave where to buy you had to have a Baptismal certificate and a letter from a priest attesting to the fact that you were in pacticing Catholic. (no apsotates allowed)

Course, human nature is human nature, no matter if it is Catholic of heretic or Zen. That bein' the case, honey, San Antonio didn't last too long--folks got to fuming and feuding over the place and soon enough it was like Jamestown, jes' a ghost town.

Now about Tom, (I knows a bit bout him, pudding, REAL up close like, no kiddin')the thang is this: He was an orphan, you see..poor as dirt up north and the nuns took him in out of the cold when his mama couldn't keep her act together. Happiest days of his life---that's it you see. THis poor fella is rich (well, not any more--he built a university in Central America and gave away a billion dollars, so his personal worth is now rather modest, compared to his former jetting around--even to see me and Uncle Aloyisus onct the Poa-rk rind enterprise catapulted us into the proper leagues)

But now, he was rich, but his *happy* days were as a kid in the middle of a Catholic orhapnage and school...that's all, he is jes' trying to recreate that same atmosphere as an ole' man, chile, jes' make things like he remembers.

Now for a bit of finger waggin' honey. Doan' be saying stuff so irreverant about Communion--besides me there's likely other souls that might hurt real bad. Save your irreverence for crusades, history, Tom or me or whomever you wanna poke at...thas' alright sweetie, all in fun, I know.

And one little thing more--about the priests and the scandal an' all--it is blight on things beyond sayin'...it would make a statue weep but perspective is interesting.

YA'll ever heah of Philip Jenkins, tht professor up at U.PEnn? He is NOT Catholic, but an historian and sociologist--studies all this stuff
(see Pedophiles and Priests, Oxford University Press) and he found that --bad as it is--the Catholic CHurch has the least number of pedophiles of any denomination (percentage wise). We gotta keep sumpin' in mind 'bout this--the MSM doan like Catholic teaching 'bout marriage, or abortion, or orientation. So whenever somebody of the Church slips in his own poo poo, why the MSM get in it too and slings it on everything jes' to try to show that the Church is a nest of hypocrites.


(Well, it has em' like anybody, but we all know that jes' cause there's a judas or two it doan mean Christ didn't say what He said.)

And all men of the cloth in whatever denomination do better than other religions, agnoistics, teachers, football coaches, YMCA personnel and Scout leaders....jes' some perspective. Doan' make it better, jes' gives perspective on mankind...sorta' empirical evidence for idea of ooriginal sin, ain't it?

and Lawdy! Womankind too !--this run of young women teachers preying on boys so new to the world that they stand at attention for a doorbell is
unnerving this heah ole' lady.

Where are my smelling salts??

Mercy, I done wore myself out with all this visiting round the bloghood. I gotta git one of ya'll to hep me--need my own set up seeing as I take up too much of your porch Bawgs. Sorry, puddin'

Your most devoted
Aunty Belle.

Pete Bogs said...

I know about San Antonio... St. Leo's College is there... but I didn't know the history... since those guys are long-dead, they don't impact me 'tall...

Tom's life story is touching... I read it... that doesn't make me feel any better about a faith-based town so close to me... I've had enough of the Crusades already... this is just an extension of that...

I don't mean to offend you, Aunt B, but this is the Pete Bogs Free Speech Zone... I don't censor my own thoughts, nor those of my visitors... and BogsBlog is going to stay that way, so be aware... this is one of the places in life where I am free to express my ideas as openly as I feel them...

in case you hadn't noticed (haha), I have somewhat of an irreverent attitude toward institutions like the church and the goverment... it's jes who I am, Aunt B...

keep in mind, many things I say on here are tongue-in-cheek... the pleasure comes from saying them and letting you guys figure out what's legit and what's a joke...

you can take up as much room here as you like, but do set up your own page, too... just go to www.blogger.com and follow the simple steps...

ffff said...

"Only in America".
I am glad we have you Pete, to keep us up on what is (diabolically) possible when someone has more money than sense.
Keep it coming!

Pete Bogs said...

thanks, Alison... I don't plan to go anywhere for a while! I'm rather enjoying this...

fatty ~ said...

damn! i'm gonna manage a pizza company.... and my dream town will be way cooler!

Blue said...

Keep me posted Fatty - I'll check it out :-)

You could have a blogger bar & use technology to have one of the 'beam' things from Star Trek & then regardless of where we are we can pop in for chats & booze. And there would be a safe place for me to leave the kiddies so I could do this.... *sigh*

I'll come back to earth now.

Pete Bogs said...

a pizza company would be good, I agree... though not for our waists...

if I were a pizza mogul I'd found a clothing-optional humanist settlement somewhere... you'd all be welcome to stop in, of course...

hey, religious folk can do it, why can't I?

Mr Q said...

Everyone come on down to the Deseret Ranch, second biggest in the nation and repent all your sins. We got cattle, a few acres and many ammenities. Don't be a moron, be a Mormon.

Pete Bogs said...

mr q - don't forget FRESH ORANGES

Anonymous said...

FOr Mr. Q...and hunters, too on that lease. Doan' know as they be repent'n much.
Aunty Belle

Reverend X said...

Nice town! Where's the Kool Aid?

Bird said...

Pornography and Erotica - come check it out at my roost.