In his first statement since the 2004 US elections, terrorist-on-the-lam Osama bin Laden (hereafter, OBL) yesterday spoke of plans for new attacks on the US. At the same time, he offered an ostensible “truce” on hostilities, though with no specific terms.
Although a truce has already been ruled out by the US, a copy of OBL’s truce terms has been leaked to BogsBlog, and is presented here in its entirety. The translation is sketchy in some places, though “Great Satan” obviously refers to the US.
We, the Soldiers of (no translation), hereby agree to temporarily cease all hostilities against the Great Satan, provided the Great Satan responds in kind. The Great Satan must also meet all of these requirements in full:
-The Great Satan will officially and permanently change its name to “The Great Satan.”
-The Great Satan will continue to pursue its Taliban-like agenda of creating a faith-based, misogynistic government.
-The Great Satan will rebuild OBL’s Tora-Bora mountain vacation home, which was destroyed by US bombing in 2001.
-The Great Satan will hand Jessica Alba over immediately, so we may (translation unclear, possibly “convert”) her.
-The Great Satan will convert Lower Michigan into a permanent Palestinian state, with its capital designated as Ann Arbor.
-The Great Satan will compensate OBL every time its evil media uses his blessed image.
-The Great Satan’s leader George W. Bush will retain his close ties with Saudi Arabia, home country of OBL and many Al Qaeda freedom fighters.
-The Great Satan will cancel plans to rename (popular Middle Eastern dishes) hummus as “liberty spread” and falafel as “freedom balls.”
-The Great Satan will take lucrative Middle Eastern business contracts away from Halliburton and give them to the newly incorporated Osamaburton.
-The Great Satan will hand over Clay Aiken to face divine punishment. That guy’s just creepy.
There were other terms which were more difficult to have translated, so rather than publish them incorrectly we decided to set them aside for now. Updated information will be posted if and when it becomes available.