President Bush has unveiled a comprehensive plan to battle both traditional flu and avian (bird) flu. These 15-points include measures he will be implementing, as well as everyday practices he recommends for all Americans.
1. Encourage the homeless to feed on pigeons, thereby decreasing the surplus population of both pigeons and the homeless.
2. Encourage pigeons to feed on the homeless, thereby decreasing the surplus population of both pigeons and the homeless.
3. Avoid intimate contact with anyone but your spouse.
4. Join Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia for their annual Thanksgiving pheasant cull.
5. Test new flu vaccines using Guantanamo detainees as guinea pigs.
6. Eat more tasty, nutritious Texas beef.
7. Skip the Peeps next Easter.
8. At the first sign of flu symptoms, send a videotape of yourself to Bill Frist, a physician with the remarkable ability to diagnose health problems by looking at a television image.
9. Put Karl Rove in charge of America’s flu vaccine supply.
10. Move to Florida, which has a warm climate and Walt Disney World.
11. Destroy all doves, which are an anti-American symbol for peace.
12. If you must eat chicken, eat at Christian-owned Chick-Fil-A.
13. Cough! Confirm Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Cough!
14. Institute abstinence-only bird taming programs.
15. Pray real hard.