Patrick “Fitzy” Fitzgerald, the Irish-American prosecutor known for his no-nonsense attitude, professional diligence and apolitical character, has decided to drop his two-year-long investigation into what’s become known as “PlameGate.”
Fitzy, who rarely speaks to the press, said it was a Sunday morning talk show that brought about his change of heart.
“I’m watching Meet the Press, and Tim Russert’s got Kay Bailey Hutchinson on there,” says Fitzy. “Well, she said some things that really made sense. And I thought to myself, ‘You know, this lady is right. Perjury isn’t really that big of a deal.’ So I made ending the investigation my first priority when I got back to work this week.”
Fitzy was referring to a statement by Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R-TX), who said to Meet the Press host Tim Russert, “I certainly hope that if there is going to be an indictment that says something happened, that it is an indictment on a crime and not some perjury technicality where they couldn't indict on the crime and so they go to something just to show that their two years of investigation was not a waste of time and taxpayer dollars.”
Fitzy says it wasn’t solely Hutchinson’s words that led him to his decision, however.
“I also read a quote about me from an unattributed source,” Fitz says. “It described me as ‘vile, detestable, moralistic, with no heart or conscience.’ That really hurt. But it did make me think that maybe what Paddy Fitzgerald needs to do right now is focus on making Paddy Fitzgerald a better person.”
To that end, Fitzy, a lifelong bachelor, has recently signed up for Match.com, and is hopeful he’ll soon meet the girl of his dreams.
“I’m chatting with this one woman who is kind of cool. I don’t know what’ll happen, but it’s looking good. I’m just glad I’ve found something constructive to do with myself after wasting the last two years of my life.”